Inside my head, I'm pacing, wearing out the neural carpet.
The pressure is growing. Things starting to pile up. I haven't had a bonafide anxiety attack since I started taking Zoloft 18 months ago. I guess I'm due.
What's bothering me? Just in terms of aesthetics, one could use a wrecking ball to tidy up my home. It could only improve the organization. When things reach a certain point of chaos, I can no longer summon the strength to fight it. My ability to self-start disappears. I surrender to the law of entropy. To top it off, the kitchen sink clogged today, exposing a massive leak where sink and disposal meet. Damn it, Jim, I'm a crossdresser, not a plumber!
The main item on My Big Anxiety Laundry List is, as always, money. The lack of it, of course. We have been living beyond our means for so long, and it's very hard to get my wife to understand what a problem this is. Her solutions always involve ways to make more money. I have repeatedly told her that there is another side of the equation, cutting spending. I might as well talk to the hand. My cries go unheeded. It's been eating at me for months, but it's pushing me over the edge this weekend.
For several weeks now, since my wife and I had our long, excellent talk, my dysphoric feelings have been held at bay. They still wash over me several times a day, but I was able to ease their sting quickly with warm thoughts of my understanding wife. But for the last week, happy thoughts are not able to quash the discontent. The dysphoric spikes come and they linger. No quick ebbs.
So, anxiety has my mind racing, worries trumping solutions. It's calmed a bit as I've been writing. Blogging is such good therapy. But I'm going to sit down with my ledger and bills in an hour or two, and I just hope I can sleep when I'm done.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Finances are often a major factor in divorces...gulp. In my case, my wife is the more frugal one. I'm not a free spender but she's even tighter. I had to save for a whole year to buy my last wig. Maybe you need to do what I did...let my wife pay the bills...lol. She's actually really good at it. Sometimes actually looking at the bottom line can be a rude awakening. :)Suzi
ReplyDeleteI misread Suzi's comment. For a moment I thought it said "Fiances are often a major factor in divorce." I was thinking, "Yes, I bet they are, but where's the relevance!" :P
ReplyDeleteHang in there doll. *HUG*
You're not alone, hun. Nikki and I still haven't paid this month's rent! Hang in there. :)
ReplyDeleteThis song kind of sums up my own relationship to money, minus the getting stoned part, that is.
ReplyDelete