Fall is in the air, at least 'round these parts. My baseball team has given up the ghost, my fantasy team is plummeting in the standings. In times like these, a young man's thoughts turn to crossdressing.
It's really the only thing that crowds my mind outside of baseball. Two passions that couldn't be further apart. Let's just say that my male and female sides each have a mission. When baseball season ends (and for Reds fans, it's been over for a month), there's only one pressing subject left on my agenda. There's nothing else to distract me now.
The last two years, October has been the month when I can no longer ignore the calls from the soft side. October has come early this year. My gender dysphoria is off the charts. I'm trying to do little things to mitigate the overall malaise. As I write, my toenails are drying. Two hours ago, I bleached my arm hair. Five hours ago, I spoke at length with my sister-in-law, and we tentatively have a shopping date in just over a week. These are not cures, but they do take the edge off the symptoms.
Okay, there's the clear coat now. Where was I? Oh, I told my sister-in-law that I was going to just call our shopping trip my birthday/Father's Day/anniversary gift from my wife, and call it good. My patience with the situation has been flagging this week. I don't want to make this a confrontation, but I have to take positive action on it before I say something unkind. It's been very hard to look her in the eye, because I'm a little pissed at her.
We did go out Saturday night with two of her girlfriends. I was very much in girl mode in my head, feeling like an honorary woman at the table, and what an honor! It was a very pleasant meal, aside from the occasional wave of dysphoria washing over me.
Speaking of which....if you'll excuse me, I'm going to curl my eyelashes.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Dysphoria sucks bad! I hope you at least have a bit of fun while trying to quell it. ;)
ReplyDeleteLeslie Ann...
ReplyDeleteI think maybe the whole problem with GD is that one can only treat the symptoms. There is no cure for the condition itself.
You seem to be doing all you can, though.. Chin up, lass.
love
chrissie
xxxx
October is a big month for me too, and perhaps for many of us. That your feelings are surfacing early this year is perhaps a healthy early indicator.
ReplyDeleteAs unnerving as all of this sounds just right now, it beats getting a full-on mugging from the soft side later.
You are, this year, better in charge of all of you, it seems to me.
Sorry if this sounds too pollyanna for your present frame, but it helps me to find positive interpretations of poor seeming situations. Plus, Polly and Anna are totally pretty names too.
Cheers - Petra
I guess we are really all just treating the symptoms. At the root of the problem, is one little desperately misplaced X chromosome, in my view. Such a tiny thing yet with such dire consequences for a transgender woman.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way to undo that tiny simple thing, so we each in our own way must grapple with the enormous physical and social consequences, of a microscopic anomaly.
Other interpretations can vary I suppose, from crossdresser to transgender. But really we are all fighting the symptoms of something bigger, even if that something bigger is not the same for us all.
Hope you find what you need to make this season work for you Leslie. You deserve to enjoy it.
Love,
Shan'
What is it about late September and October? I don't know why, but I've always felt my most vulnerable during the fall. I have only fallen truly in love with two women in my entire life, both of whom pursued me in October. I think it may have something to do with old school memories. Fall is the time that school starts, and school was where I always came into contact with the most number of girls. The mix in the classroom may have been 50/50, but because of my envy of all of the females, I was virtually unaware of the presence of the other boys. My attention was always drawn to the girls. What they were wearing, how they had their hair styled, the sound of their voices and the way they gesticulated when they spoke. The sheer comfort they expressed with living in their own skin, was in stark contrast to the insecurity I felt, with having to live as a male. Later, after a stint in the Army, I lived for many years in a part of town adjacent to VCU. By late August/early September, the area would be buzzing with students and activities, and the increased presence of young women on the streets and in the local establishments, and my memories of old school days would be brought to the fore.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Well, girlfriend, we have a couple of problems with this post:
ReplyDelete(1) In the first paragraph, who the hell is the "young man?"
(2) There is a very basic problem with following the Reds. If you were following the Sox, as in RED, you would not be worrying about this issue until well into October and you would be saving money on nail polish, bleach, etc.
Calie xxx