"Any fool knows a dog needs a home,
A shelter from pigs on the wing"
"Pigs On the Wing, Part II" Pink Floyd
Usually, the dysphoria just appears, and I don't really know what triggered it. This time it was unmistakeable.
Thursday, the wife came home with a couple new pairs of shoes. She bought herself some pretty casual sandals, attractive enough. But she also bought some gorgeous black patent dress sandals, slingback with an ankle strap, 2.75 inch heel. My heart skipped a beat. These are not your father's shoes (not that we know of anyway). I lusted for these shoes. I wanted them.
I'm really trying to be more respectful of her things after years of wearing any and every thing she owned. But what to do about these shoes? They completely sent me off to Gender Dysphoria Land. Maybe I could go to Target and get them in my size. Maybe order them online, but I would need to see how small her size 10s were on my foot. For over 24 hours, I thought again and again how I would manage to try them on.
Eventually, I got my chance and slipped them on. Way small, I'd need a 12 and they only make them to size 11. *sigh* And they look so nice on my big honking feet too.
So, I will not be getting these luscious shoes, and I'm left with the desperate need to acquire something similar. I have to feed the awakened beast.
I think the time has come to have a discussion with the missus. I feel that I'm painted into a corner here. She wants me to take care of these things myself. She considers helping me to be the same as enabling me and condoning the "behavior." Yet, I don't think she wants me shopping for these things in nearby stores, certainly not trying on heels for size. And I'm fed up with buying shoes online. Too many bad purchases. I'm not made of money.
I need to bring up my plan to shop Goodwill with my sister-in-law. Or, perhaps the wife would now be willing to provide assistance in shopping. Or maybe Tina and I need to hit our favorite Payless outlet. But I've got to address these feelings. She's seemed more open minded of late, more casual in her mentions of my sometime girlness.
I just know I'm gonna bust if I have to keep this under wraps for long. I have got to work out some sort of agreement on what is kosher with her, while still meeting my needs. When pigs fly? I hope not.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Shoes triggering GD?
ReplyDeleteOK. yeah. I can dig that. :)
By the way, Leslie Ann. I found weight loss really knocked my shoe size down. Basically, for each stone I lost, I went down 1.5 shoe sizes.
I'm now a size 7 (UK).
The shoes I bought at the start of my transition now don't fit me. They were sizes 8 and 9. I tried them all on before purchase, and now they don't fit..... sob... :(
But luckily my feet are now well into normal woman's sizes, so no more worries. E told me yesterday to buy some sandles to show off my painted toenails.
Ha..! I was already there! I'd bought a pair the week bofore and forgotten to show her.
love
chrissie
xxxx
I think I wrote a blog with this title once. Then again, it's no surprise I'm Floyd's greatest fan ;)
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling of wanting something that your spouse has or is able to do that is decidedly feminine. It's a fine line of telling them for acceptance or having them react with a big disgusted "GAH." I hope you can come to some sort of safe resolution.
I don't know how you can live with a woman full time, and not be constantly floundering in a swamp of GD. Every time I'm around women, I struggle with mine, and the more naturally feminine they are, the worse it gets.
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad for you, that your wife cannot embrace your feminine side. The fact that she thinks helping you, is somehow "enabling" you and "condoning your behavior", is disturbing. It sounds as if she wants to shame you into being totally straight, so she won't have to deal with it herself. As if you could just forget about it, if only you weren't so selfish and cared more about her. Not knowing her, I hate to judge her character, but from the way you describe her, she sounds manipulative.
I hope you don't take offense at what I've just said. None is intended. I'm sure that in all other respects, she is a fine woman and you love her dearly, or you wouldn't have married her in the first place.
Melissa
Oh...have I got a shoe story. I must share it sometime, or perhaps I already have....still waking up.
ReplyDeleteWell, I have a secret weapon. Since Becca the Blogger has the absolutely clone of my feet, it is simple. Go shopping with her. She tries them on. I buy. That's the theory, at least.
Go get those shoes, your girl side is screaming out for them!
Even full time girls can have a dysphoric moment.
ReplyDeleteI stood in line at the gas station Wed. night behind a 25yr old blonde with a body to die for and couldn't take my eyes off of her. I just keep thinking, Gee-I-Wish, and it wasn't about going to bed with her, although ...no, I was wishing I could look like her. Never gonna happen. You couldn't force curves on me like hers were!
Leslie that sounds so stressful. Never know what little thing might trigger a bout with dysphoria. What you need to do long term is a complicated problem. Only you can decide what you need. But what you need to do right now is pretty obvious. Go shop for some shoes!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't think Lexington is safe, go a little farther afield. Take your sister in law if you can. Maybe even your wife if it's an option, but if not, don't let that stand in your way. You have bought in person before in drab. It takes guts, but you are already past that step. Also your agreement gas expired. So you could tecnically go out shopping in Leslie mode, if you picked a place far enough away not to get spotted. If you went this route, I would recommend full disclosure to your wife.
I think you should definitely try a goodwill/consignment spree sometime. But for this purchase you have something fairly specific in mind. With those places the selection can sometimes be slim. Best to go very open minded and have wide range if things to look for in those situations.
For this, I would probably hit shoe stores specifically, since you have something so specific in mind. If you can wait until I come back from Wyoming, we can hit the zappo's warehouse in Louisville!
Sorry I have been so quiet lately. Internet is out at home andblogger is blocked at work. Writing all this from a phone. :p
I think you s
Yea, Target sucks for shoes. Only up to size 11, it makes me kind of depressed.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can go shopping soon and ease the pain :)