I say it a lot: Hope springs eternal. I also get told frequently that getting my hopes up is a mistake. I don't for a minute think that my wife is coming around on the whole gender issue. But several recent incidents make me think that she's not feeling so threatened at the moment.
The most notable was during a conversation about my middle child. Details aren't really necessary. Suffice it to say that we were talking about her self-consciousness at the pool and in shorts, and how it might be related to leg hair. And the missus asked me about Nair! I had to confess that I had never used it, but that its reputation is that it's rather harsh. But the crux was that she saw me as a source of info on hair removal, and was unafraid to ask me about it in a casual way. Wow!
She also was making suggestions about bleaching my arm hair in ways other than the cream I use. I guess she doesn't mind that aspect of my androgyny. Or she wants a solution that she perceives as less expensive or time consuming. Either way, she is exhibiting a comfort level that is unprecedented.
It's pretty obvious to me that letting my leg hair grow back in has been a great relief to her. And maybe she's come to a realization that this is a sacrifice that I made entirely for her benefit. She had very kind words for me on Father's Day about what a good husband I am. I'm not convinced of the truth of that sentiment, but I'll allow her to hold onto the illusion. And I'll immodestly add that our intimacy has been very good to both of us lately, and this might have her thinking kinder thoughts about me.
So, I'm allowing myself a little hope that my gender issues are not the deal breaker that they were before. We're getting along well enough that I'm only getting cursory attention in her counseling sessions, or so I'm told. Seeing as how I was the reason she started the counseling, that's got to be a good sign.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I hope she comes around. Sounds like she's been thinking about it. My wife and yr wife should have tea and bitch about us...it would do them good, as my wife is not interested in my gender expression, in the least...still my therapist pointed out something I have found very useful. If I don't tip-toe around the issue, for my wife's sake, then she will start to see it as less threatening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteBased on the little I've read and know, the reason none of this has proved to be a dealbeaker to her because she really, truly loves you.
ReplyDeleteSounds cool, Leslie Ann. :)
ReplyDeletelove
chrissie
xxxx
Leslie, you know I've never given up hope for your wife's acceptance. Lori is right...her love is obvious to us. In my situation, I found that my wife did not accept certain things at first, like my pierced ears, but now it's a non-issue. I never used to wear my femme clothes around the house but I started wearing one item, like a pair of shorts or a semi-androgynous top. She used to rib me a little but now it's like she doesn't even notice or care. I know her and she would let me know if it was still bothering her.
ReplyDeletePoint is, I wonder how much is just their being exposed to something on a constant basis...like your bleached hair. Perhaps they just become so accustomed to it that they begin to realize it's not that important, as issues go.
Anyway, I' really glad you have been able to soothe the dysphoria somewhat and seem to be able to cope on a less painful level. (When are you going to get your ears pierced?) :)Suzi
Sometimes the realization that my GID prevented me from ever having a relationship resulting in marriage, depresses me. Then I hear about the horrible sacrifices that married TG's have to make, for the sake of accommodating their sometimes non-understanding, and/or, non-accepting wives, and I'm so glad that I never married. I live alone, but but at least I can live as myself.
ReplyDeleteLeslie Ann, I know you dearly love your wife, as do so many others here, but isn't marriage supposed to be a two way street? Aren't both spouses supposed to love each other, for better or worse? I can only imagine the torment I would feel, if I dedicated my life to a woman, and she couldn't accept such an integral part of my being. My heart goes out to you, and all married couples who have to deal with this curse.
A group of us had a discussion at lunch yesterday that could best be titled "Baby Steps". Sounds like you have been following the recipe to the T(rans), Leslie.
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx