Anger has become more of a stranger to me over the last year. It was a constant companion over most of my life. It was unpleasant and unwelcome, but I have to say it was frequently the only thing that made me feel alive, made me feel that I wasn't sleepwalking. My emotional range has broadened a great deal of late. Like Keanu Reeves, I run the gamut from A to B.
As I have come to embrace my inner Leslie, the anger has gradually subsided. I no longer feel the need to rail at the world, decrying my circumstances. I have even had a couple of weeks of unadorned bliss back in January. I had never experienced joy for more than a few hours at a time before. This was unprecedented. I began to think it was something I could learn to maintain, but no. Now I can hardly recall how it felt.
So, anyway, I was a bit unnerved this week to be revisiting my anger. The catalyst was Calie's blog about wives of TG friends. The subject itself was provocative, but not provoking. But the comments soon got ugly, and mine as ugly as any of them. I don't regret anything I said there, but I hate that I was overcome with a need to say it. It got the better of me. Calie is one of my best friends and runs a very respectable establishment. I went out of bounds, I think.
I know that anger is a completely legitimate emotion for male and female alike. Heaven knows I have dealt with the anger of females a lot the last two years (one person in particular). You'd think that I could be angry and feel like Leslie simultaneously. I found that I could not. My many years as an angry male have made me feel that my anger is a male emotion. They are tightly bound to one another. So, I got pissed and felt that the male was taking over. Yuck! I'm male 95% of the time, at least outwardly. I don't want that maleness impinging on my girl world, however imaginary and superficial it may be. So anger needs to stay off limits in here, at least till I can learn a way to incorporate it in the ongoing Leslie development project.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I feel bad for instigating most of that anger. What was said at Calie's needed to be said, but probably in a different way. Perhaps there'll be another chance in a different venue.
ReplyDeleteI think the incorporation of anger, and other perceived-as-male traits, will come with time. God knows, if you ever transition, you will need them...there's lot of things to be outraged about on the female side of the fence.
Renee, there is definitely more to be said on that subject, and a lot of strong opinions all around. Maybe you can make hay with it, if you get a hankering to blog again. I think I'll let it rest for a bit.
ReplyDeleteFor now, I'll just try to picture Leslie and righteous indignation, together in the same room. Kicking ass and taking names.
Bumped into that heated discussion some days ago about a tricky situation. There is no handbook available to help us and everyone reacts differently to a fraught situation seen from opposite viewpoints.
ReplyDeleteHow we integrate our new selves into the world is a real challenge, partners are bound to wonder if they have a part to play or even if they want to play a part and if you still have two live in parallel the trouble doubles.
It was a shame it got a bit nasty, we need to be open about how we are dealing with life, that is why most of us are here.
Hope bliss returns soon.
Leslie, your comments did not bother me in the least. As a matter of fact, it felt good to see some of you supporting me. Nevertheless, as a supporter of love and marriage in a TG relationship, I did hear and respect what the wife of the CD said.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you could blame the T but, driving on the freeway every day, I sure see a lot of women with road rage.
We are what we are. If TS, we are one and the same regardless of what we look like on the outside. Our personalities do not change, IMHO.
Calie xxx
I love your writing, anger is good..it leads to edgy writing. Not everybody will always agree with it it, but that's the way it goes. Write from the heart sister.
ReplyDelete