My pet phrase for managing my dysphoria is "feeding the beast". I've come to believe that the beast will devour you if you lock it away and ignore it. When it breaks free, and it will break free, the beast will destroy everything you value. Calie's blog goes into this a lot, and a recent entry was very timely for me.
Saturday, I was chatting with my good friend Sylvia about my current crisis, and I said something about feeding the beast. Sylvia asked if the beast grows when you feed it. I've always thought of the beast as full-grown, but what if it's not? Could my giving in to the dysphoric urges make it stronger, more threatening? This had never occurred to me previously. I've seen it as a pressure cooker, where steam must escape from time to time, or the whole damn thing will blow.
But maybe Calie has the right idea. Perhaps completely denying that part of yourself, starving the beast, keeping it weak, is the way to go. At least for those of us who endeavor to resist transition. But I know I would never have the fortitude to deny the Leslie in me. She's stronger than she looks! I hope it works for Calie, but I won't be copying her plan.
I came very close to talking dysphoria with the missus tonight. But romance was in the air, and I don't want to kill that (selfish bastard!). We went out for "Italian" at Olive Garden. She wore her new sandals and a new skirt, and looked glorious. She's become much more feminine in the last six months, having dropped fifty pounds. She's wearing eights and nines now, and I think she's loving herself a lot more now. Maybe that's why she seems a little more open about me. When I first revealed my crossdressing to her twenty years ago, one of her fears was that she wasn't feminine enough, that I was compensating for a flaw in her. Ridiculous, of course. She's never been a fufu girly girl, but if she had been it might have made my dysphoria even worse. She is certainly not to blame for my gender issues in any way.
I offered to do some pedicure work on her tonight, to complement her shoes. She kinda slyly looked at my subtly painted toenails, and said she really doesn't like polish. She wasn't hinting or anything. She meant for herself. Well, I offered. Coulda been fun for both of us. Instead, I worked on my own toes, hoping this would feed the beast for awhile. Make the beast sleepy and lethargic, but, I hope, not larger.
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5 hours ago
Hi Leslie Ann.
ReplyDeleteThis is something that we need to be very careful about. Truth is that everyone's GD is different.
What works for one may not work for another.
In my case total, and I mean TOTAL denial for over 20 years did not stop my GD coming back so strong that it smashed my defences aside in weeks, to the point that transition was my only chance of survival.
So we're all different. It may well be that by not "feeding the beast", you will break free of the curse.
It may also be that, whatever you do, your GD will one day become totally over-riding and you have to transition.
All that delaying 20 years did for me was to put me in a position where more people would be hurt by my actions.
Add to that the increased risks brought about by my age (thankfully I am very fit) and it's hard for me not to regret failing to transition back in the late 'eighties.
You may not yet know what is right for you. The full strength of your GD may not yet have made itself known to you.
Whatever path you choose, cariad, you know you have my support.
love
chrissie
xxxx
Leslie Ann,
ReplyDeleteI once saw Mike Wallace interview the actor Robert Shaw at the actor's home. Shaw was wearing a floral silk robe. When Wallace asked him about it, Shaw said, "You have to feed your demons, or they will devour you."
My demons have a voracious apatite. Denying them and dedicating myself to my job, only turned me into a fat miserable drunk. I topped out at over 300 lbs, developed diabetes and high blood pressure, and was on my way to dying from a stroke, or heart attack.
I've since dropped over 75 lbs, I exercise regularly, and carefully watch my diet to keep my bp and blood sugar within normal limits. I also fully indulge my demons now. I even bought an Emjoy, and removed every hair on my body. Well, almost every hair. Using an epilator on the genitals, is just too scary. ;)
Melissa
I fed it, and fed it, stuffing it full of those crossdressing munchies every chance I could. Problem is, one day it got tired of all those sweets and demanded, rather voraciously, some real food. Now that I'm feeding it a proper diet, it doesn't growl at me like it did before.
ReplyDelete" Sylvia asked if the beast grows when you feed it. I've always thought of the beast as full-grown, but what if it's not? "
ReplyDeleteGood point, I never really thought about it. I guess it depends on your individual case, but also I think it's very tough to find that perfect balance.
Hmmmm....Beast? Demon? Guess I never thought of it that way. I've always been a girl, albeit a boyish one I'm sure. My dysphoria or whatever has mostly been a result of forced or at least expected crossdressing as a male...along with the expected behavior. Ever since the doctor said "here's your penis and your sack of bricks" certain expectations where laid upon me. I'm sure the testosterone flowing through my body helped me hold the image most of the time. Now that it has subsided, I just don't have the will or ability to live the lie any longer. So I've always been Tina and Tina is me. I think civilized society wants us to think we are beast. I've always been a free spirited boyish little girl. It is a shame I genuinely missed growing up and living my life as I wanted. The only demon I see is the one who made me live a life I was never a part of. Damn doctors! Gotta blame somebody. =)
ReplyDeletePeace Out Sister,
<3 Tina
I don't tend to think of it as a demon, or a beast, much as Tina said. For me, it has always been my own hunger. A hunger to express my true gender freely. And the closet thing to a beast in the situation is the ignorance of a society that doesn't understand what it means to be transgender.
ReplyDeleteSo, looking at it as your own hunger, you are confronted with yet another metaphor. Much like a hunger for.... cheesecake, with strawberries, some can stoicly deny it, find other areas of life to focus in and be fine. Some can take a bite now and then, and its enough. Some people can try a bite, and only be hungry for more, and find they must have the whole cake.
Everyone is different. In my case, I feel I am a woman, and that my problems are physical, not mental. It is my body that needs, corrected, not my head.
And some people could find other things to occupy their life and give them meaning, and live quite happily knowing they are one gender, while they have to present as another. But I just can't focus on other things until I get to be myself.
We are all different though. Guess we are all different though. Can you live without cake? Must you have the whole cake, or is a bite here and there enough? Is the cake important enough to make a lot of sacrifices for? Even, the very basic question of "What the heck is the cake?" is different from person to person. There are TG, CD, ambigender, and so many people in between. Different cakes, different appetites, differences abound.
There are maybe two things true universally. There is nothing wrong with a little cake, or lots of cake, if you are sure of what you want. And you can never have your cake and eat it too.
Just to claify, girlfriend...
ReplyDeleteI do feed the beast. Generally in cycles...and I'm due. I mean, if I completely starved the beast...well, I guess Calie would not exist...
Calie xxx
These are all such great points, but y'all stole my thunder! :)
ReplyDeleteMy comment is along the same line as many of the wonderful comments above. First, Leslie, thanks for the great post. I think there are a lot of different factors that affect us all differently. In some cases, I think it is as simple as being able to "get a quick fix" now and then to keep things real. In other cases the need only grows... and that could happen whether or not it is reinforced.
Isn't it wonderful that we can come from such different places and have such different experiences, but be able to share a common bond? I love that.
Peace,
Katie
I think there may have been a misunderstanding of my use of the term, demons. My demons are not a malevolent force, that goad me into doing something that I feel is unnatural for me. My demons are a metaphor, for my hunger to be the person I've felt I was, since I was 3 or 4 years old. It is a hunger that will not go away, and when I try to deny it, it consume my soul.
ReplyDeleteMelissa