Monday, I got my therapy appointment time wrong, and found myself with an hour to kill. I desperately need some black heels, so I went to the nearby mall. Why not go to Payless (BOGO!) and pick up something inexpensive. It's not like I wear these things everyday. I don't need high quality.
I walked past once, scoping out the store and how many people were there. Minimal. And a slow day at the mall, too. Perfect situation. I walked back past again, and sat on a nearby bench. And there I sat for 40 minutes.
What was I waiting for? I saw two women in there. One came out, maybe I'll get the place to myself. Damn, there's a couple of big girls going in. They'll be looking at the large shoes. Can't go in now. Two out, one in. Not getting any better.
You get the idea. I squandered my meager opportunity. I sat and watched the store, then I went to get my head shrunk. This is something I'm going to have to overcome. The wife has said in the past that she will not help me acquire the pieces I need for my "hobby." Well, she hasn't called it that lately, but I think she still sees it that way. I'm tempted to ask my sister-in-law for help. She is a major Goodwill junkie, but has had to cut off buying for herself. She might jump at the chance to shop there for me, but I suspect the wife would not approve, and I gotta live with her.
I would be so much more comfortable shopping with a female presence, someone to beard for me. Shopping for women's things in boy mode is a very intense experience for me, almost out of body. I may try again Tuesday, if I can get the wizard to give me some courage.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I'd say I do about half of my girl-shopping in boy mode. Nobody cares these days... really. I've never been given grief, and have found most store employees to exceedingly helpful, and thoughtful when help is needed.
ReplyDeleteAnd though Payless' boy shoes are pretty cheap, their women's shoes are good quality, and girls like us can't beat the size range they usually keep in stock, unlike other stores.
The screwing up of your courage is all part of the process.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it's only scary because you assume it means just as much to anyone else as it does to you. It almost certainly doesn't. It is possible for you to draw some stares, or a snicker, or something, but that's all part of the process to: when what you want is more important than what other people think, you'll get on with it. And anyway, chances are no one will say anything. :)
Honey, you know how the story goes...the wizard tells the lion (or in your case, the lioness) that she already has courage...it's inside of you. You just have to find it.
ReplyDeleteI've been that person watching the door too. Being terrified, paranoid, and at times physically shaking. I would even make up these elaborate stories to tell but no one ever ask "and just why are you buying this?". Imagination is usually a wonderful thing, but it can really work against us sometimes. Like those late night movies where the main character has been drugged and sees everyone in the room, with faces like a reflection in a fun house mirror, pointing their finger and laughing insidiously. I had those illusions, they seemed real at the time, but they were just my imagination at play.
Renee is right...it's all part of a process. Soon you'll just walk in like you own the place and ask the sales person for her opinion. You know..."do these shoes make my butt look big?" It will be fun!!
Renee comment about getting through the looks reall struck it for me personally. It's something I need to get through. However strangely enough, ever since I came out at home at xmas, shopping for ladies things en-drab is somehow real easy. Don't know why - it just is for me . Just keep thinking, i'm here for me, look them in the eye, engage them in talking first [about anything!].
ReplyDeleteKeep going - we are all with you!
Well put by everyone else. No one gives a crap anymore who walks into their stores. Believe me, if they've been employees for any length of time, they've seen everyone try everything on. Trust me, I worked Asset Protection and watched people for a living years ago.
ReplyDeleteYour fear felt real. You'll look back on this one day and think, "why was I so scared?" I promise you.