I may have made a grave tactical error. Saturday night I told my wife of the existence of my web page and my blog. Sunday night she plugged a few terms into Google, and quickly found my page. She read the entirety of my blog. My desire to share something with her turned into sharing everything with her. Tonight, we had a long talk.
Several people have recently asked me if I want to get caught. Judging from this, you'd have to think the answer is yes. I opened the door, when she hadn't even knocked. If she was disturbed before, now she feels she doesn't even know me. I was hiding so much from her. Mostly, she questions my judgement. She considers my local friends to be deluding themselves, and always refers to them as men. But at least they're flesh and blood. She assumes that my internet friends are deluded, and may well be fakes, malicious people preying on the naive middle-aged crossdresser.
She drew up a list of things that especially disturbed her, and we discussed them one by one. No raised voices, but a lot of crying, mostly her. I still find myself spinning things. I'm so accustomed to omitting uncomfortable facts with her. But I was honest for the most part, trying to explain my motivation for the risk-taking behavior. It's really hard to appreciate our world, when you take your gender for granted. It's very hard for the wives to visualize the emptiness we feel, the longing, the envy. She finds the love of heels to be ridiculous; no real woman loves heels. The piece I wrote about the joy I felt dancing by myself in a red minidress just made her question my taste in clothes, sounding like a drag queen to her.
Her basic message was that men stay in relationships because it's comfortable, and easier than leaving and living alone. Women stay in relationships because they feel stuck. And that's how she feels now. She is worried that anyone could find my site and connect it to the male me, because of all the personal stuff I have revealed. I'm putting my own gratification before the sanctity of my family. So my blog and lists are now set to friends of friends. And she really doesn't like the idea of me putting up a picture of myself.
She wasn't the only one to get a surprise. She told me that she discussed with her sister whether it was a violation of my privacy for her to read my blog. They decided that it was okay, since it was public, and I had sorta invited her anyway. I asked just how much she had shared with her sister. I mean, I was ready to out myself to her anyhow. Turns out she shared the crossdressing info with her sister twenty years ago, when I first revealed my secret. I never knew. That means when she complimented my ability to choose earrings for her long ago, she knew perfectly well why I had an eye for it. Now I have to look at all these memories through a new filter.
She seems resigned to staying with me, but that's because she doesn't have other options. I don't begrudge her these feelings. I've been trying to wiggle out of this bag of secrets for some time now. I knew how explosive the info could be, but I may have held that cherry bomb in my hand a little too long. She's not angry so much as disappointed and confused. I told her that the knowledge that I have to hurt her to get what I need just kills me. But I can't stop this train.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Wow, Leslie!
ReplyDeleteWell, this internet friend is not deluding you. I am the real thing.
Yes, you probably should not have let her see your blog. Perhaps too much information for her to digest at one time? Remember, she did, in her mind, marry someone she felt was 100% male.
I can't say that her reaction is unusual. I think many of us have had the worlds collide. While my wife and I have had some heated discussion, it has never been anything like this. At one point, she asked me why I even bothered telling her, but all now seems ok.
I see this post was made last September. It appears that there has been some improvement since then, perhaps some give-and-take on both sides.
If you two can get past the crossdressing thing (You need to do it. She needs to tolerate and understand it), then look back to the days when you two were first going out and what first attracted you two to each other. Maybe, for her, it was that little taste of a feminine side in you that attracted her (the gentle you, the understanding you, the empathetic you, etc.), among other things. I would hope that there is a way for her to accept all of this in time.
"No real women loves heels???" My Nikki was born 100% woman, and she adores them! She told me more than once that when she sees a woman dressed nice (trans or otherwise), she stares at the heels first and then moves her eyes up. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I travelled here from your "best of" entry. I've never been back this far. But I see there be treasures. :)
Wow there is a lot in this post. What a big moment. Oh and I am pretty sure my wife likes heels far more than I do. She has at least twice as many as me.
ReplyDelete