It Was the Worst of Times

It isn't going well. I opened Pandora's box two weeks ago, and the damage may be irreparable. My wife no longer trusts me. And perhaps her trust has been misplaced all along. I thought that if I put all my cards on the table at once, like ripping off a Band-aid, that it would ultimately be less painful than many small reveals over time. I thought that having no secrets would give us a better chance in couples counseling. I was, and remain, naive. I continue to underestimate the depth of her contempt for my "problem."

She was up when I came home from work last night, never a good sign. It took her awhile to get warmed up, but she brought her "A" game. As she sees it, my judgement is not to be trusted. The risk-taking behavior, which includes my recent femme outing with friends, is a grave danger to my family. She will always assume the worst now, if I go anywhere with my friends. She has read some of my friends' blog entries, and thinks that I am taking advice from deluded, self-absorbed, crazy people.

She wants to know why clothes are so important to us. Why can't we just be women in our heads, and dispense with the mincing around in our frilly things? Why the need to do this in public? Isn't dressing in your own home enough? Being a woman is so much more than dressing up and going out and having fun. In fact, she says, real women don't have time for that stuff. They're at home caring for their families, and working.

How do I explain my thoughts to a closed mind? I'm not confident that I can. I told her that if couples counseling is going to be one-sided, like this was, that there was no point in bothering. If everything I convey is just going to used against me, I'll remain silent. I will not be supplying the ammunition at my own execution. At least, no more than I already have.

When I came home from my trip, I had come to the realization that my wife was the most important thing in my world, that I really did love her. And within a month, I have managed to produce a train wreck out of that epiphany. Stupid, and naive.

A couple of good things: She is going to start getting her head shrunk, and heaven knows I've got enough material to get my money's worth in my own sessions for several weeks.