When Sylvia and I were taking one another's pictures at our Saturday meeting, I had a tiny epiphany.Syl was suggesting that outdoors had nice light, and she wanted some shots of herself out there. Now, I step outside a couple times each meeting, as I store my boy things in the car during the meeting. I don't think much about those trips out to the car. Yet, when it came time to pose, I felt very conscious of my presentation, and how I might be noticed by passing motorists.
I bit the bullet and went out, but as you see, I stayed in the shadows, away from prying eyes. Sylvia, on the other hand, wanted to pose on the hood of her car out near the road. I managed to stay out of sight next to a van, and zoom way in to take the pic. I hope that the result was okay for her, because I feel rather silly today.
I have two real public outings in my history, the most recent being in November of '09. I am suddenly very aware of just how far removed I am from that date, and how much I've lost in the way of confidence. All modesty aside, I am much more polished in my presentation today, and should have the commensurate confidence that would naturally follow. Alas, I do not. Going out with my girlfriends is an impossibility at present, so practice is out of the question. Even as my skills improve, my social capacity is withering. I don't see a solution, but I am now conscious of the problem, and I will try to walk freely in the parking lot at the very least.
I made a muck of Mother's Day in my house. I failed to rise in a timely fashion to help the kids make breakfast for their mother. I failed to make sure they had signed their cards. I failed to make any sort of plan to take my wife out and celebrate her maternal accomplishments. In short, I failed. She let me have it, too, when she came home from her work in the wee hours. Some tears, a raised voice, deep disappointment, feeling unappreciated. I am not good at this sort of thing, especially making plans. I'm not sure how to make it up to her, either. Anything I do now will seem to be in answer to her outburst, and will be perceived as insincere. I have created a no-win situation. Now I have to find my way out of the minefield.
Kiss her, tell her you love her, and perhaps some flowers? Sounds simple, but it often works...if you are sincere.
ReplyDeleteCalie xx
Sincerity is pretty important, that is sure. Your mistake may be a failure of love, or just a sign of how distracted you are by paragraph four, and the various other pressures of daily living on top of it. Whatever the reason for your failure to plan better for yesterday, being honest about it and discussing how to make it up to her somehow might advance both of your causes.
ReplyDeleteI noticed you didn't want to go too far out into the parking lot. :o) But I'm glad you did, I think you needed to. I found it weird one day, but I just sat on a bench in a shopping maul and watched the passers by out of the corner of my eye. It was interesting to see who looked at me and what expressions they bore if any. I found out that most people didn't even glance at me, especially the women. Men on the other hand often looked me over. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteI guess my point is that nobody probably noticed you out there and if they did, they were probably busy driving. Too brief and fleeting a glance to recognize you in your do. :o) Enjoy your jaunts into the parking lot, because you don't seem likely to go anyplace else public for a while. But if you'd like, I can take you to a shopping maul someday and we'll see what happens with you. LOL
On the Mrs. L front, I've nothing to suggest. I find your whole relationship frustrating, incomprehensible and unsolvable. Sorry, hope that's not offensive, but not being married, I've no POV from which to offer help.
Sylvia
P.S. Thanks for taking my pics too!
I just love the photo...you look mah-velous! But really, you could be any girl in the world, sitting on a window, gazing into the sky. Syl is right, people just don't really pay that much attention unless you are talking to them. And then, you would blend just fine. :)
ReplyDeleteMy first observation was that the photo says it all, even before I read your piece. Your expression and body language says a lot about what is going on in your life. A calm frustration perhaps...looking for an answer to too many questions. It's no wonder a few things slipped your mind. How do you keep sanity in an insane world?
Take care my dear. I sincerely hope you find those answers.
Peace and Hugz,
Tina
It seems that many of us are in constant search for answers. Pat has been going through a stretch where she has a strong desire to get out, either day or night. Half the time I chicken out and the other half the time I chicken out of telling my wife that I am chickening out.
ReplyDeleteI am also the worst at honoring occasions. My wife has come to lower her expectations on all of the "Hallmark" occasions but still harbors hope that I will get it right for her birthday. Blew it again this year.
Good luck and keep up your spirits.
Pat
Leslie, I have not checked you past blog posts but I am sure that Mrs L has had greater lapses in the past on your special days!
ReplyDeleteShame that good looking girl is so ruled by irrational fear, hope one day she takes a beep breath and gets to roam free once more.
Hi Leslie Ann,
ReplyDeleteGreat post. You know, for me the big epiphany was realizing that it was my own self-consciousness that was screaming "boy in girls clothes!" I further began to really think about how little I cared what people thought of me. I know who I am, and I am loved. I can't control what anyone else thinks or feels, so I don't try... which extends to my not trying to hide who I am. Let them think what they want.
That sounds like a pretty forward statement from someone who has so recently arrived there. I don't expect a Nobel prize, but I just thought you'd appreciate the input.
Where your wife is concerned, you're right. You failed. And you're also right in thinking that anything you do now will seem like a response to her outburst... so long as you are using the response that way. The best course of action is an honest and sincere apology. Recognize (to her) what you did, and how you know that made her feel. The "trick" is... you actually have to mean it. And then, you actually have to try to do better. I have found that planning events like Mother's Day and birthdays and such comes a whole lot easier when they come from a place of genuine love. It's easy to care for someone you care about.
I know that is somewhat presumptuous, as I don't know how your relationship is with your wife. Hopefully it is strong enough that failures like the one you mentioned aren't major wedges. If they are, you probably have more important work to do than that of apologizing for messing up one day.
My two cents... hope I didn't step on any toes. Much love, and I hope you are doing well!