Hadn't really intended to write tonight, so I'm not sure where or how this will go. Come on in, the water's fine!
I told y'all that I screwed up Mother's Day, but left it hanging. I got some very helpful comments in that regard. I did purchase flowers the next day, but the apology was not forthcoming. Our schedule issues made an intimate conversation impossible. I didn't want to wake her when I came home from work, as that is unfair to make her lose sleep (something I don't want done to me!), and she is busy home schooling my daughter when I get up.
I arranged for us to go out to dinner as a family on Saturday. She was being very difficult about this. She complained that she had managed to lose a couple pounds in the last week, and didn't want to put it back on. She finally agreed to go somewhere and get a salad. Oy! I thought it went really well. Au contraire!
Later that evening, in the wee hours, after she got home from work, she told me that she had written down some stuff. It seems that the dinner was not a success. There were some silences that she found very awkward, ones that she felt I should have filled. She told me that she feels alone most of the time, unconnected emotionally to me. Like a single parent, she said. *sigh* She didn't say these things in anger, and she managed to hold back the tears.
I let her have her say, and I gave her a sincere apology for my shortcomings on Mother's Day, and as a husband in general. I know that I suck. I know that I am not a raconteur. Truly, the interesting things in my head that I might share with her are the things you read here in my blog, or in those of my friends. She does NOT want me to start talking up this stuff in order to mask the silences. Truly, though, those are the anecdotes that are in my head, and they crowd out other things that might be of interest to her. Maybe it just isn't meant to be.
After she made her points, I did tell her that I had something to share. I told her that I am trying to connect with her, trying to build bridges. I start feeling like we are getting somewhere, and she informs me of the shortfalls, and reminds me that she isn't feeling it. I can't build a bridge in one evening. I am way out of practice in playing the loving husband role. I may need some remediation before I can play it well. Burning the bridges as I build them does not help. If she wants this to work (and she says she does), she will have to start accentuating the positive. I suspect that her stated desire to work things out are merely lip service. Time will tell.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Truly, the interesting things in my head that I might share with her are the things you read here in my blog, or in those of my friends.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, isn't that a common difficulty we have when we are asked to keep parts of ourselves hidden? There are so many interesting anecdotes that come to mind as everyday life unfolds, but they are inspired often by what happened when Melissa went to her mom's (Melissa, I miss you), or by something that Lucy mentioned about a location in the south of England, or something that my friend Leslie told me, and on and on it goes... How am I supposed to keep filtering my life experience to exclude so many ideas and feelings that are important to me?
I hope you can find ways to open up the lines of communication. I know it is a huge issue chéz Halle.
xox
You can't build a bridge into enemy territory.
ReplyDeleteIt will only work if both of you are receptive to the idea. This is the most you have mentioned the two of you actually talking about things in a while, though. I take that as a good sign.
Yes, her saying she wants to work things out may just be lip service, but if you are already assuming that, then the battle is lost. If you do want to work things out, then you are going to have to take her at her word. If you can't trust each other on that issue, then the others don't stand a chance.
I feel like I'm being a bit rough here. Not my intentions, Leslie. I just worry about you. It's good that you are telling her she needs to accentuate the positive. Her needs are important. Just remember that your needs are just as important.
Leslie, I really don't know what to say...I never do. Nothing you don't already realize anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds so familiar. For years I thought that was the way relationships were...that "this" was normal ...everyone lived like that and I just had to work on it.
A few years later, I'm in awe that I was so taken. Life doesn't have to be like that, it really doesn't. It's a false reality, a false positive, a perpetual illusion. I suppose after a period of time we become conditioned to accept our circumstances as "just the way it is".
What she wants from you is very vague and never really clearly stated. I doubt she knows either. What I'm not hearing from you is what you want, what you need to be happy.
Peace, Tina
It is an ongoing division of thought. As a CD my mind is often thinking in CD mode. As a woman married to a CD my wife's mind is on a thousand other things and when she does think of me as being CD I surmise that she wishes that my CD compulsions would recede or disappear.
ReplyDeletePat