Again, news is piling up, unreported. I will try to clean out the backlog. Today was the most interesting development, but I will take things in order.
My meeting (a week ago!) went swimmingly. Sat with the radiant Shannon. Much of the meeting was spent viewing an HBO documentary called Middle Sexes. It's a pretty good doc, if you have a taste for such things. I did get to show off my rejuvenated wig, and felt less self-conscious than other recent meetings.
The time spent at the meeting must have been what the doctor ordered. I spent the better part of a week without the constant tug of dysphoria. It felt a bit flat, as some others have been writing lately. I'm not a huge fan of feeling flat, but it was a nice break from the torture.
Two emails managed to knock me down a couple nights ago. Both from very close friends, one with great news, and one who is having wife trouble much like my own. I'm not divulging any content, but the severe up and down took me off balance. I was quite upset and depressed when I went to bed.
My sister-in-law, D, has been moving for about a week, and has reached the point of needing to get out. Naturally, the deadline created a lot of pressure and pleas for help. In the afternoon, I talked with her at length on the phone. She told me that Mrs. Leslie has been discussing the marital/gender problems pretty extensively with her. She gave me a good idea of the advice she has been giving my wife. She is doing a good job of not taking sides, I think.
D believes that the children should be told what is going on with me. She thinks that the kids sense the tension between their parents, and knowing the truth would be a relief. I said that would have to happen unilaterally, as Mrs. L would never go for it. D said that it isn't Mrs. L's call to make. It is between the kids and their father. Interesting take, eh? She also has been suggesting that staying together because of finances is a bad reason. Mrs. L "wants to get on with her life," and I "need to have a life." She did point out that her standard advice to Mrs. L is to throw me out, but as an answer to the complaints she is hearing, not out of any dislike for me. Just a practical, realistic assessment of the situation.
In the late evening/early morning hours, I assisted her with packing the last things and cleaning the apartment. This was done during a howling snowstorm and temps well below freezing. While I was vacuuming, I commented that it was a shame that it was too cold to be doing this in a French maid outfit. She laughed and asked my thoughts on fishnets with said costume. We agreed that fishnets are a bit slutty and not to our taste. We had a nice discussion about shoes as she packed her large assortment of heels. Excellent fashion taste. She genuinely understands my love of feminine things, because she feels the same way.
D had breast cancer a few years ago, and has a couple wigs that she no longer needs. She wanted me to have them. We talked about Mrs. L's issues with the recent wig maintenance, and D sided with me. She knows that wigs get hopelessly tangled and need professional help sometimes, whilst Mrs. L has no experience with wigs. We only found one of the wigs tonight, but she will be looking for the other as she unpacks. She described the one I got tonight as Jane Fonda's Klute hairstyle. I can't wait to give it a spin.
A wood and two roads
11 hours ago
D sounds extremely intelligent. If Mrs. L really is staying with you primarily because of feeling trapped by finances, then it really isn't a good enough reason. Since she is impartial and talks to you both she probably has a very good understanding of motivations on both sides.
ReplyDeleteOn the kids I think you should explain things to them when you are comfortable. But if they are sensing the tension you should probably get comfortable with the idea sooner rather than later. The timing definitely should be up to you. Mrs. L should know in advance probably, but you definitely do not need her permission.
Cool on the wigs!
I'll go Ditto's on what Shannon said. Time to get serious dear friend.
ReplyDeleteSyl
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteWell, that wasn't quite the blog I was expecting from you!
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I agree with D that your children need to know about the real you. They're going to find out sooner or later, and it is preferable to give them the example of honesty rather than deception. Wives find it very hard to comprehend that their own negative feelings towards their spouse's "hobby" will not be shared by their kids, and look everywhere for evidence that such knowledge will cause "irretrievable harm". You have to bear in mind that your kids' acceptance may be painful for Mrs L. to witness as it invalidates her feelings to some extent.
Glad to hear that a couple of new wigs are coming your way. And I look forward to the next catching-up blog!
Sometimes these things are like a standoff. First one to pull the trigger is the bad person. I really don't know what to say that I haven't already. It's just a really shitty situation with no good answers. Best to ya my sister!
ReplyDeleteAssuming you can actually trust your sis-in-law, it sounds like a good thing you two chat.
Peace, Tina
It is good that you have D as an impartial soundboard between you and your wife.
ReplyDeleteMy counsel would be to go slow on telling the children.
First, I am not sure you really know the extent of your GD. Were do you wish you were now? Where do you want to go? What are you willing to sacrifice of yourself...your wife...your cildren...your family and friends? I do not sense that you have solid answers to these issues.
Second. What would you be telling them? Most people need things in solid form...black and white. You seem to be floating in a sea of grays mixed in with some pastels.
Third. What would your kids do with the information that you provide to them? Would they want or need to talk to someone about whatever it is you tell them? A counsellor? Their friends? Anyone you would not want to know of your dressing?
Fourth. Our gender issues, to whatever extent we experience them from the once in a blue moon crossdresser to the committed TS, have been our issues for a long time. To whatever extent we may be gender conflicted this has been our cross to bear. Is it right and fair to lay this burden on our children's shoulders? You have been living with the angst that these issues have caused your wife. Think about what angst your kids would have to get through.
I hate to be a wet blanket but these are thoughts that went through my mind when my kids were still at home. I never told them and as of now have no plans to do so.
Pat