The last couple days have been very hard. My friend Dysphoria just won't shut up. There was therapy on Thursday, and I felt pretty good after that, but Friday and Saturday were a test.
Working alone in the evenings is a mixed blessing. I have a lot of time to think, and on the other hand, I have a lot of time to think. Whatever mood I carry into work in the afternoon, good or bad, has often been magnified when midnight rolls around. Friday, this meant substantial depression. Hairyness is a lot of it, having that dissonance between what is and what should be.
Two weeks ago, I sculpted my nails, and I kept them that way. Very pretty. I have my mother's hands, long and thin. I didn't care what people thought, and no one said a word. I would look at my hands many times during the day, and have a little endorphin surge, seeing womanly hands. Friday, though, the burst of good was being followed by a wave of sadness, thinking about all I am not and may never be.
So, Saturday afternoon, I trimmed my nails. It was tough to make myself do it, but I felt I had to break free of the feelings they were causing. Mrs. Leslie noticed almost immediately. "You cut your nails!" Truly surprised. I told her that I've been struggling for a few days, and looking at them was making me sad. She didn't understand this (I don't either), but she accepted it and told me she was sorry that I was having difficulty. At least she knows now.
Mrs. L had the kids wash my car as a Father's Day gift. It had been more than a year, I think, since it last touched soap, so this was a welcome surprise.
Even better, in the evening my daughter had her guitar out and I decided to join her. I haven't played my guitar for many months, and cutting my nails made it a reality. I played and sang my favorites: James Taylor, Billy Bragg, Paul Simon's "Song For the Asking", Elvis' "(What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding." That was the real payoff, and a welcome respite from the silenced Dysphoria.
I'm not out of the woods yet. An hour after the guitar session and I'm headed downward already. Father's Day Sunday, then an all day trip to Cincy to an autism clinic on Monday. Oh, joy.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I feel like one of those early test pilots who were trying to break through the sound barrier and found themselves battling with the controls to stay alive, that is the dysphoria. Then suddenly on day the barrier is broken and smooth clear air ahead and you can't believe just how calm it can be...
ReplyDeleteOnly if you have lived with the torment of that dysphoria and survived could you really understand just how overwhelming it can be.
One day I hope you have the opportunity to find yourself in as peaceful a state as I now find myself. Now I find myself in the strange situation of having to look to the future rather than just wondering if I will survive the next few months!
At least you have a clean car!
Caroline xxx
Well, your friend has been visiting me this weekend too....it gets very complicated.
ReplyDeleteHappy Father's Day!
Loved the part about playing guitar with your daughter. Some day, one of my friends MUST teach me how to play the guitar. I have the talent (she said modestly), but need the instruction. Oh, but now that I think of it, there is that former rock star trans friend of mine I told you about. Problem solved perhaps.
Just babbling....
@Caroline - One of my favorite expressions is "Only someone who is trans can truly understand someone who is trans". Not Leslie's wife and not my wife.
Calie xoxo
I am glad you had a nice Fathers day surpirsie from your family.
ReplyDeleteThose special days help when things get tough.
x
Leslie, your description of your shapely nails, seeing them, loving them, then going home and cutting them down; sis, OMG so familiar, not once, several times in the last year. So sad for you, but at least the mrs noticed and cared.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder 'Song For the Asking'
I chose
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPEiHBrH72E
When others tell me, 'you don't know what I'm going through', I never argue these days. Between clinical depression and dysphoria... tough choosing friends. Hmm... how 'bout growing up autistic? As the Buddha observed, life is difficult.
Thinking of you Leslie; Big Hug sis.
Wow, girl, hang in there. We should have kidnapped you Saturday, as nearly the whole "Leslie" county crew was up here to hang with Tina, Lisa and I.
ReplyDeletePity, you have to live with hairy monkeys this time of year, but just think! After Monday the day's start getting shorter and fall is on its way. Break out the razor and sharpen those blades (or depilatory if you prefer.) The future is brighter for you.
Chow
Syl
I haven't played my guitar for years. I gave up on guitar playing, because I had to keep my nails cut down to the quick to do it, and I always hated that. I'm so sorry that you felt the need to cut yours. That's always a hard thing to do. Sort of like a mini purge, isn't it? I think what you will ultimately find, is whether you have long or short nails, as long as you don't have the freedom to put the whole package together and keep it that way, you will always be visited by the GID monster.
ReplyDeleteSo nice to hear your family was thinking about you on your special day, and that you had a chance to bond with your daughter, even though it meant short nails.
Leslie, you really should consider epilating again. I am not in transition, but I keep my entire body hairless, and I wear short sleeves and shorts all summer long, even in male mode. I tweeze my eyebrows too. I go to the grocery store in shorts and short sleeves, and no one has ever said a word to me about it. I do get the occasional warm smile from women, but I like to be smiled at warmly by women, so I just smile back at them. It's really not nearly as big a deal as we tend to make it out to be sometimes. Besides, many heterosexual males epilate these days. I've been doing my entire body for over a year now, and I wouldn't dream of stopping now. I think part of this whole process is developing a healthy "I don't give a shit about what anyone thinks!" attitude. It's very hard to do, but you can chip away at your fears, one little piece at a time, and once you've put a fear behind you, it never haunts you again.
Take care sweetie! Big warm hug here!
Melissa XX
Song for the asking...how could I have forgotten that? I too was a (poor guitarist) but only because I couldn't sing, Simon & Garf were my early repertoire. Sadly I can still strum but the fingers won't behave.
ReplyDelete@ Calie....nor mine, but as Billy Bragg says "The facts of life are not man and wife, but man and woman sadly" of course we know differently
I think Caroline gave one of the best allegories of breaking through the dysphoria that I have heard yet. It really is amazing how all of the buffeting simply goes away.
ReplyDelete