Obvious thought #34: Being deceptive sucks. And that is the corner I keep painting myself further into.
Saturday night, I went to bed quite content. Sunday, I got up with the sensitivity turned up on all my personal buttons. I was snapping at everyone. After several hours of this, I chatted with my brother on the phone, and managed to calm down enough to think clearly. So, what was bothering me?
My next meeting is coming up Saturday. As always, I am eager to attend, and lots of prep awaits. That's all good. My kids are on Spring Break this week, so far less privacy and opportunity to go through my various rituals. I still have two bags of clothes in my trunk, from the Tina Collection, which I have no place to store or go through. It will be very hard to choose an outfit without resolving this. Plus, there is the deception that is weighing on my conscience.
My last three meetings, I have dressed at Lisa's apartment and driven en femme to the meeting site. Mrs. Leslie knows nothing of this. We have many new members in our support group, and there are several that require the limited changing facilities at the meeting site. I have another option, and I need to let the other girls change as I did for two years.
I went out to dinner with Mrs. L tonight, and I apologized for my abruptness earlier in the day. I told her that I was very stressed by money issues (tax time!) and the difficulties surrounding my next meeting. I told her about the clothes in my trunk, which required some explaining. It became very clear that she hasn't guessed that I'm changing off-site, and I couldn't make myself tell her. I think it unlikely that I'll be able to sneak off to Lisa's undetected forever, and I know that the sooner we discuss it, the less damage will need repairing. Now to find a time for that with the kids around all week. Lying is so much more complex than truth.
My new motto: Don't be like me!
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Yup, being deceptive sucks - and does nothing to help reduce the stress that we feel.
ReplyDeleteAt least you have told her about the Tina collection. Good luck with telling her that you are changing off site. The only thing I can really offer is the obvious explain it to her as you explained it here - it made sense and sounds reasonable.
Again, Good luck,
Stace
Funnily enough you've placed your finger squarely on a bone of contention between me and Mrs. J, the "Change on or off-site" thing. Or even the more distant "Go out with the rest of the girls en femme" thing, which I will grant her is a whole different ball game to simply driving cross-country en femme.
ReplyDeleteI may have managed to keep everything in the open, but at the expense of surrendering the management of my Jenny time, which brings its own stresses.
You being nice to let the other newer girls get a chance shows your compassionate side and gives you the chance to get the story told. economical with the truth is what british politicians call it!
ReplyDeleteCaroline XXX
Well, Caroline has a different view of this that makes a lot of sense!
ReplyDeleteDeception goes with the territory. I remember all of the deception dating back to when I was dressing in my mother's closet at around 7 years old.
I know what you mean about being short with people. That was me on Friday. Long, short, Calie (a reference to a song, but very poorly connected). Yep, that was me. Barking at everyone. Amazing how GD can make one such a bitch.
Calie xxx
I'm not married and never been, so I have a hard time wrapping my arms around this feeling that all secrets must be shared. Do all married couples share absolutely everything? Are people who are married not allowed to have any secrets at all? Do you really think Mrs. L tells you about every little detail of her life?
ReplyDeleteDeception is a necessary part of life, that comes under the heading of self-preservation, when others don't approve of something that you do. We don't need anyone's permission to something that is fundamental to our nature, as long as it is harmless and not immoral. I don't think you should be feeling guilty that you have deceived Mrs. L over doing something completely harmless and natural for you, rather I think you should be feeling sadness, that her paranoia over the possibility of anyone discovering this part of your existence, makes you feel that deception is necessary in the first place.
Oh my. Melissa dear, I am afraid you may have opened a can of worms on this one. What is going on with Leslie is not exactly a little detail in their lives. Deception is an anathema in a marriage. Sure, a bit here and there is all right, no presents opened until Christmas and all. But any sort of trans issue is far from being harmless. If relationships could talk I am sure there are many who would attest to how harmful it can be.
ReplyDeleteBut then too, it is also best at times to not spring the entire thing on them at one time. Things are better digested when taken bite by bite.
I wished the bit by bit thing worked in my relationship, but in the end, instead of being perceived as a big betrayal at first, it's taken to be one that grows.
ReplyDeleteYour spouse is going to hurt more, the more they know. After all, despite the valid reasons for doing so, in a very serious way we do misrepresent ourselves, before yanking the rug on their dreams.
In my experience, it didn't matter whether I pulled it slowly or quickly. It just forced her to prolong the torment with me.
The more you say now will only help her from drawing incorrect conclusions. I had to argue that the panties she found in my car were mine, and that I was not having an affair.
Even though I have tried to hide things that would hurt her to know, it's just getting harder for me to not tell her, to not be open.
Our marriage may not last--I know we cannot live together--but by being open, we are still family and friends.
Hugs,
Sophie
Dear Leslie,
ReplyDeleteI can not offer you any solid advice, as I too face similar dilemmas without a clear answer. What I can say is "Thank you" for sharing your thoughts as you try to find your answer. You know your words mean a lot to us, the less visible girls. I dearly hope this issue resolves well for you. Love, Claire Hallam
Oh My, we are a sneaky lot aren't we girls. But we have to be to keep ourselves upright.
ReplyDeleteIt's just that as it happened in my life, secrets can't be kept and will only make relationships more difficult for everyone.
During the last 8 months, my daughter has returned to me and wants to make lots of memories with Sarah. But it has been difficult to hear her tell how she felt about my transition and my failure to just tell the truth to my children. I should have just said I did not think I could survive as their father, that it was all right to question one's gender if one feels different. That being gender different is not the monster some people say it is.
People will discover what you do when you think you have everything locked down and enclose yourself in your own bubble.
Sarah