I awoke this morning after about four hours of sleep, then tossed the remainder of the morning. This gave me lots of time to think, sadly. I had a little epiphany, which didn't help at all with sleeping, but I thought I'd share my thoughts.
For all of my adult life, I have dreamed of crossdressing. In my teens, these were wet dreams. Well into my thirties, they were still very exciting. The theme and setting might change, but the narrative still ran through a crossdressing scene. I would find a cache of feminine attire and furtively slip into it. Hosiery predominated. An element of danger usually played into it also, in the form of the threat of being caught. Sometimes I was, sometimes not. The actual act of dressing, though, was always there.
I realized this morning that my dreams have changed substantially.
I've been underdressing pretty constantly now for about three years. Wearing pantyhose daily has relieved me of the burden of having to dream it. It's my reality, and it's a normal part of my day. With the fear and excitement of that gone, my dreams have moved on to other things.
Framkly, I remember imagery from dreams sometimes, but rarely whole dreams anymore. I no longer get dressed in my dreams. I just am dressed in them, living my life, sorting out my conflicts. I am not a woman in dream life, but nearly always dressed as one.
A rare dream is one where I seem to be living full-time as a woman, and I'm being treated normally and respectfully by my family and the world. Nothing much happens, maybe a meal and conversation in a restaurant, but I wake with a strong feeling of contentment, a sense that this is what my ideal life would look and feel like. Nothing special, but comfortable in my skin and my clothing, in a world that believes nothing is amiss.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Hmmm... perhaps a good subject for Dr. M. I believe all gender variant people share similar dreams throughout life. What they are indicative of, are for us to discover.
ReplyDeleteAs a child I dreamed of presenting and/or being female. As an adult, after I found that marriage didn't fix the problem and discovered I was trapped in this small hometown; my dreams changed. The scenarios varied but the plot remained constant. I would be presenting as myself and running away...far away. Hiding and running, knowing the dangers of being caught. I always woke up before being caught or actually getting out of town. The idea of escaping to be myself lured me to go back to sleep and finish the dream. I never did.
Irony as it is; In reality, all of this has happened in some manner. I was caught (outed) and paid the price (extremely high). I'll soon be leaving as myself and living my own life, never to return. If a situation arises that I do need to return, I'll be traveling in incognito and hiding behind tinted windows. Wonder if I'll dream about that?
There are no easy answers and certainly no utopia...not on this planet. We do have our dreams though, and if we get to live them, they always come with a price.
Poo, now for some reason I have the song "Dream Weaver" going on in my head. :p
Peace,
<3 Tina
We each have to interpret our dreams. Usually it's our subconscious trying to work something out, some conflict that we are dealing with. I have had dreams where I was responsible for maintaining the program of the universe, and reflected more my anxieties than anything else.
ReplyDeleteWhen I go to sleep and when I wake up, I instinctually know I'm female. But when I dream, it's of the anxieties of my current physical presence, which is changing as I progress. Many times, the anxieties are so bad, I become an external observer only. All of this has specific meaning best understood by me.
When I was 16, I did find the cache of clothing, and felt I finally had my opportunity to force things right. But I didn't know how, really. It took another 20+ years to find the path that worked, after I had given up on myself and had relegated myself to secretly cross-dressing.
Hugs,
Sophie
When I was still working, my dreams often centered around the anxiety of being discovered. I would find myself at work, or in some other public place, inappropriately in some extent of feminine presentation. I remember waking up from one very unsettling dream, where I was in a meeting in a conference room at work. All the people I normally attended meetings with were seated around a big long conference table. Suddenly it was my turn to say something. All eyes were on me as I began to speak. Then to my horror, I looked down at myself and noticed I was dressed in a short pink, ribbon and lace trimmed nylon nightie, with bare legs and wearing fuchsia toenail polish! I woke up in terror, thinking that I had just outed myself in the most insane way. It took me a few minutes to realize it was all just a dream, and that I hadn't actually gone to work like that. Dreams can be so crazy.
ReplyDeleteMelissa XX
Super comments, ladies!
ReplyDeleteMy CD dreams aren't a reflection of anxiety, I think. It's more wish fulfillment and possible consequences. My anxiety manifests in work dreams, almost never a CD situation. More like Lucy trying to keep up with the bonbon conveyor, without the laughs.
Interesting, Leslie. I don't recall ever having an erotic crossdressing dream. I have had many dreams where I wasn't crossdressed but simply a genetic female. The dreams seem to come in cycles but I think that they are really nightly and I just remember the vivid ones.
ReplyDeleteNow, get some sleep.
Calie xxx
Nothing startlingly different to report here. I've had pretty regular dreams-as-girl for about as long as I can remember. They vary from the type of fear of discovery dream you describe (typical scenario: staying at my parents house but finding myself en femmme) to far more abstract in which I'm without question female (in one that sticks in my mind I was attending a very posh soiree on the QE2 cruise ship, evening gown , the works! Where did that come from?).
ReplyDeleteI can not however specifically link erotic dreams to girl dreams. I'm sure it must have happened during my teenage years but can't remember examples.
I can relate to your point about the dreams changing with the situation. When I was suppressing my gender issues my dreams were pretty much my only female expression and my brain made full use of them, that were much more exciting. Having been out to my wife for ages, dressing regularly and slowly coming out to more of the world around me I find my girl dreams are much more mundane but no less satisfying for being as girl. Shame though, wouldn't mind a bit of excitement!