Sunday, January 18, 2015

Slipping Back

I have been denying it for a long while now.  I have been slipping back into the hole again.  Two weeks ago, I had an evening where I felt much like I did seven years ago when my gender issues hit the wall.  The deep sadness, the single-minded obsession with my gender failings, the constant bellyache, and worse, the knowledge that I have been here before.

I was on the plateau of "good enough" for several years.  It had a good run.  I didn't notice that the terrain was no longer level. Sure, I have had ugly spells frequently, but less severe and shorter-lived, usually just an hour or two and it was past. Now I'm worried.

We have been seeing a counselor as a couple for some time now, and this last time I talked some about how I felt on my bad day.  She offered to see me one on one, and I agreed.  Truly, couples sessions are 85% the missus going on about our lives and kids, and 15% me quipping and adding grace notes to her thoughts.  Seldom have we concentrated on my problems, and that is usually fine.  But now I am scared, and I need to talk it out.  It has been two years since my former therapist went back to school, and it is time to get back on the horse.

I am really quite excited to have it all about me again in therapy.  My appointment is this week, and maybe I can report some realizations after that.




Posted by Leslie Ann at 5:06 AM

5 comments:

  1. RhiannonJanuary 18, 2015 at 11:08 AM

    Good luck - I increasingly realise how useful it is sometimes just to get everything out in a positive environment where honesty is not judged. I hope it goes well and look forward to your insights.
    Take care Leslie Ann x

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  2. HalleJanuary 18, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    This seems to be going around. Is it really denial when it sneaks up on you though?

    As Rhiannon says, take care Hon.

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  3. Nadine SpiritJanuary 21, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    Best of luck to you cutie! Take Care!

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  4. CalieJanuary 23, 2015 at 1:52 PM

    I hope the therapy works. I had a difficult session a couple of months ago but holding steady right now.

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  5. Joanna WhitmoreFebruary 10, 2015 at 5:00 PM

    I've kept checking back to see any change, and also because I did not have anything to say but that you are supported and cared about across the Pond (Rhi did a terrific job of communicating that though).

    I hope that you are well, that therapy has started again positively and that you are, at least, less scared.

    God bless,

    Joanna
    xx

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