The day of my April meeting, I turned fifty. Fifty. Other milestones have largely passed barely noticed. I remember twenty-nine being difficult. Fifty, though, has caused a lot of reflection, more than expected.
I truly feel mortal now. I feel kinda old, too. I'm not, but that's my perception. People in my family typically live past ninety, so there's a good chance I'm just a bit past middle age.
At fifty, I feel two things very strongly. One, that I am very fortunate to live in comfort and safety, with a wife that loves me, and children that are essentially good, caring people. And two, that I regret the decisions that led me here, and would trade it all to be living a dramatically different life. It's hard to integrate those two notions. So much to be grateful for, and a flippant desire for something completely different. Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
Of course, you know I will now mention them. You all know the principal regret. I had no business pulling someone into marriage with me without benefit of the knowledge that I was harboring a deep secret, a second self that caused me shame. All the other regrets fall like dominoes from that mistake. I should have spoken my truth when it could have spared her feelings and mine. However, fear won the day, and the war, for that matter.
That's all the darkness I want to dig through for now. I will try to balance it with a happier post soon, and there is upbeat stuff to report.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
You must have sensed me thinking about how you were getting on! Fifty, so young...
ReplyDeleteOne decision to try and live a "normal" life when the world made the alternative almost impossible at the time. You can hardly call it a bad decision considering the time we lived in, we did not know that the world would eventually turn towards accepting us... How could we ever spoken the truth?
Upbeat stuff? I look forward to reading that.
Hi Leslie!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, a belated Happy Birthday, Miss Leslie! I hope you had a lovely day, filled with music and joy. I can tell you that seeing a post from you brightened my Monday considerably, hon.
I'm sorry you are feeling a bit melancholy surrounding this birthday. Caroline's eloquent reply trumped anything I could add, so I will simply pass along something my therapist told me early in our work together.
I had just finished writing - well, more like exorcising - a blog post about a particularly painful episode in my life, one that haunted me literally every day afterward for years and years. I had been up all night finishing it, and had then gone straight to our session.
She asked me how I felt now that I had finished it, and I told her the truth; I still felt awful. I wondered how the other person I had written about must have felt, and whether she hated me.
My therapist looked at me for a moment, then said something incredibly wise and compassionate.
"You were 21 years old. Twenty. One. Years. Old. You were dealing with this terrible truth about yourself that you were convinced made you unworthy of love. You had no one to turn to, no one to confide in, no one to ask for help. You were completely alone."
"You did the very best you could have possibly done at that time. That was all you could do. That was all *anyone* could do. And now you need to forgive yourself."
So, Leslie, that is what I would add to Caroline's wise words: it's OK to forgive yourself. And remind yourself you did the best you could. And from what you mention here, and what I know of you, the best you could was quite good indeed. :c)
Hope that helps a bit, sweetie! I look forward to your next post. :c)
Hugs & love,
Cass
P.S. Quick musical suggestion, from one music nerd to another. lol Give Ingrid Michaelson a listen sometime, Leslie. I suspect you will be equally smitten!
Thank you both for the thoughtful comments. I have dark days, and I have wanted to write that down for six weeks. The darkness passes quickly.
ReplyDeleteCass, I loved Ingrid's Girls and Boys record. I haven't sought her out recently, but Spotify is my new best friend, and I will make a point of catching up. But first, I am enjoying Belle and Sebastian.
Belle & Sebastian... good call, Miss L!!! A friend gave me The BBC Sessions for Christmas a few years ago, and I was hooked. I had no idea Stuart Murdoch was so funny!
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36p37og4uus
Great song, great introduction to the band too. :c)
By all means check out Ingrid's latest; it's wonderful! I'm doing the opposite - catching up with her early work. It's fun to discover a new artist to explore, isn't it?
Hugs,
Cass
P.S. Glad you're feeling better, sweetie!!! :c)
Cass, as always, you are on the same wavelength. I decided to start at the beginning of the B&S catalog, and "The State I'm In" is the cut I keep going back to. What a song!
ReplyDeleteI very much get the regrets. Pretty similar to my own.
ReplyDeleteAnd, trust me when I say that you're younger than me...and that makes me feel old.
Oh, and happy birthday!
A horrendously belated happy birthday from me to you!
ReplyDeleteI have nothing to add to the comments above, except to say that fifty can't be that old! (as proved by the shots of yourself in the next post).
Leslie, first, you can really pull off the short hair style. Second, stop beating yourself up about dragging people into marriage with a secret. It's only been recent that people started acknowledging that this is not a choice. I don't know about you but I went most of my life thinking "it's just a phase","the more manly things I do, the better things will be". When I was getting married, I had no idea what transgender was!! You can't be responsible for something you don't know about. Your probably the bravest person I know, you care so much for your family that your willing to live a "normal" life for them. Me, well, I took the selfish way out I guess.
ReplyDelete