First, the good news: I feel like writing again, a return to the deep-seated need that used to rip at me till I could sit down at the keyboard, and sometimes made me pull out a legal pad to tide me over until I could get home.
The bad news: I am feeling that old dysphoria as I haven't in several years.
I haven't felt "right" for several months, and I chalked it up to a lack of opportunities to be Leslie (the beginning of August through the beginning of November, to be precise). That would be enough, really, but the struggles of my daughter have been tearing at the missus and me as well. All that stress requires an outlet, and I had none, at least not the kind I desired.
We were in couples counseling this week, for the first time since June (money, you know), and my daughter was the primary subject. My wife and I disagree about the way to handle her issues, she tending toward hovering and intervention and raised voice, me preferring the occasional nudge or suggestion, but trying to treat her as the proto-adult that she is at 18. Let her fail and feel the consequences.
The therapist noted that each time my wife described a confrontation with our girl, I was making pained faces (quite unconsciously). She wondered if it was related to my reasons for defending my daughter. I said that I feel a deep sympathy for her struggles with anxiety and the paralysis caused by it. That I want to help her, but I feel completely unconnected to her. I said that I want to talk to her about my own history of anxiety, as well the underlying reason for it, which I have been forbidden to discuss with her. My wife then said that she has been reconsidering that rule recently, wondering if it the potential positives might now outweigh her fears. Didn't see that coming.
I also realized that my own discomfort with my wife's methods with my daughter are close to home. Her tone, her language, take me back to the awful conflicts we had when my gender issues started spinning out of control. She would talk at me, and made me feel the size of a garden gnome, and just as communicative. I would get lost in my own head, considering a hundred things to say and rejecting all of them, settling for a pained silence in a sad attempt at damage control. Don't say anything that might make it worse.
My wife's heart is in the right place, honestly, with my daughter. She is worried that flunking out of college now will stop her education for good, and doom her to lesser jobs forever. Could be right, but she is truly not ready for the rigors of higher education at the moment. The transition has been too much for her. I think we need to back off and let the chips fall. She will learn much more through failing than she will by our not allowing her to fail.
The main point of all this, though, is that I am contemplating a long, odd talk with my daughter.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I can feel the intensity of what you write here. And, not knowing your daughter but being in education, would say that coming back to education later is no bad thing. Some people I know would do to take time out. At the moment they will (and have) fail. However, take a year or two, working jobs, building confidence, having extra time to *be* - would work wonders.
ReplyDeleteNot sure how you best relate to someone going through that as a parent, I've only seen it from the teacher's perspective and know that some parents can be very, very pushy (and that doesn't help). Many students end up being almost fatalistic - "I want to leave, but if I do I am doomed forever, staying at least is only failure that my parents will blame me for and I can handle that".
I'm not saying either you or your wife would do that, by the way, nor even that your daughter thinks it, just pointing out the limits of the experience that I bring to the discussion.
I don't envy you your long, odd conversation, but I think that it would be a good one for you and her. My thoughts are with you!
I certainly don't envy anything you are having to deal with…
ReplyDeleteAs fast as children "grow up" these days I have never felt that the rush and push to get them out of school and into college is a good thing. A little maturity and a taste of the real world does wonders to students work. It gives them maturity and time to really consider what they want to do. Often the escape from parental supervision is just wasted in going wild rather than actually dealing with unsupervised learning which is a full time job in itself…
I crashed and burned and never took off again. I took the chance to escape a home with selfish parents and did not waste my time getting drunk or seeking physical pleasures but turned from star pupil to gibbering wreck when anxiety, depression and dysphoria grabbed me in the second year.
I could have done with someone who could have spoken to me heart to heart…
Parents are strange creatures, often totally unable to get close to their children. I have often found that friend's and relative's children have been more open and chatty with me than with their parents! No, I am not offering a service but wish you the best of luck…
Take this chance to wish you a happy christmas.
I'm a big believer in letting them learn from their own mistakes. My daughter has made a few. She's a few years older than yours, but she has turned out just fine.
ReplyDeleteTime for another email to you.
Hey Leslie! Just something to support you position a bit. My daughter had spiraled out of control and hit rock bottom! She was recently arrested and jailed for two days. So far it seems to have turned her around for the longest time to date. I don't envy what your going through, because I've already gone through that cycle. If you need to talk, give me a shout.
ReplyDeleteMiss you all.
Ps. I changed my blog to a different platform. So it's still at www.thephoenixwillrise.net but I couldn't restore the follow links.