I have long contended that a sane person will eventually recognize futility, and stop banging their head against a wall. By this definition, I believe myself to be insane.
I mentioned to Mrs. Leslie that I had a therapy session scheduled. Soon thereafter, we were lying in bed, and she complained that she never has time to talk to her husband. This is code for "We need to air out some things before your appointment." We opted to skip it at that time, thinking sleep was a better option for us both. When I awoke Tuesday, she had prepared a list for me. Lucky me...
Stop me if you've heard this before, and if you've spent any time around this blog, you've heard this. The complaints never evolve. She had five points.
The most important point was regarding my "wearing women's undergarments in our marital bed at night." It's true, I have stopped caring in the absence of affection and begun to wear panties in bed. It's not like we were going to do anything torrid anyway. Her big beef was a night when I also wore a camisole to bed. She figured it out when she awoke, and was silently enraged for days (she tells me now). What if the kids saw? How does this fit in with you being a man for me? Why do you keep pushing the line?
I also got the old saw about not compromising on the bare legs. I continue to argue that someone who wants to be bare all year round is compromising when limiting it to four or so months. She sees it as unilaterally doing whatever I want to do.
She calls me non-communicative. 'Nuff said.
I'm so tired of this game. My therapist, M, called us cyclic today. Can't argue with that assessment. I don't know how to stop, how to turn off the need to be accepted and desired by this infuriating woman that I've spent thirty years with. I know intellectually that this battle is hopeless, but I continue with the effort. I feel like the Black Knight: "It's merely a flesh wound." Someone needs to schedule an intervention. We can get M to send out invites.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I was about to choreograph an abduction for you when it occurred to me that if you were gone, who would choreograph my similar scenario??
ReplyDeleteCyclic indeed. I keep reminding myself that I am doing the best that I can, for now... just keep making enough progress that eventually you will be ready for something more suitable when you can or when you MUST.
Halle
xox
It's funny that you mention the word 'cyclic', that's what we talked about with my last therpy session too. Are our wives reading from the same playbook? It has gotten much better though and there is progress, sometimes it's difficult though to 'keep the faith'.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Elly
Okay, you've known this woman for thirty years. You know her very well. You know how her minds works, obviously.
ReplyDeleteWhat if she suddenly accepted and desired you for you you really are? Would she still be the same person? Or would you be suspicious that she had ulterior motives for appearing that way, and underneath her feelings hadn't changed?
I can't tell you how many times I've heard variations on the theme of "I love this person, but I really wish they were different in some fundamental way". And often from both parties concerned.
Keeping writing, keep talking, Leslie. At some point you'll see where the slim exit gap from the cycle appears.
"silently enraged for days"
ReplyDeleteOK STOP!
Weren't we here before?
I'll be blunt (because part of what I'm saying applies to me too).
Communication is the issue here, not crossdressing. Compromise is about talking about your needs and your joint capacity to work things out. Compliance is about following someone else's rules.
Your issues are cyclical because your marriage is based on the latter model. You cannot do what she wants, and she gets frustrated. You are in a relationship based on rules that you cannot obey for ever, no matter how hard you try. So either you both change to a relationship based on communicating problems/ navigating each day's issues; or Mrs L continues to be disappointed by what she perceives as your "intransigence" becoming silently enraged for days, angered by you breaking the contract.
Does this sound familiar?
STOP AGAIN.
This is a 2-person problem. I doubt someone who has loved and stayed with you for so long is a total monster, in fact I know from your previous blogs that she is not. Do you internalise the whole debate? or avoid the difficult? The balance of difficulty may be to one party, but its unlikely to be completely one sided.
STOP AGAIN,
What the hell do I know? I could be 100% wrong. SImply I recognise some of these things myself, but I could well be externalising my own issues.
Finally an apology, I don't mean to be abrupt Leslie, or give you a sermon. You are my oldest online friend, and I really feel for your issues which are very close to my own. So once again, if I've got it wrong, ignore me, but sincere communication is the only route out of the cycle for you both.
Now I need to read the above and act on it myself.
While I do not know much about counseling, since I tend not to do well with others telling me what to do, it seems likely that the society of shrinks may have gotten the memo about discussing 'cycles' with their clients.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that there are cycles involved in our wives being able to tolerate certain manisfestations of our gender variant behavior. I am constantly pushing the envelop and my wife is continually on the lookout for my pushing the line. It is unfortunate to the extent that I would very much like to share all of my thoughts and feelings with my wife but I know that it would just be sharing questions with her and causing her more angst. In any event it sometimes seems that her tolerance is cyclic and that at times it is 1 step forward and 2steps back.
I suspect that to a certain extent you have a "Momma Grizzly" on your hands. She recognizes that there is a strong feminine component to your personna and she frets that you will not be able to do what is necessary to protect the baby cubs. I do not think that you can expect that Mrs. Leslie will outgrow her maternal instinct to protect her children from every perceived, danger, peril, inconvenience, embarassment, paper cut, etc. In your case, I surmise, that there exists that great and overwhelming fear that her children may have to face the fact that her husband, their father, is somehow less than a man since he likes to wear woman's clothes.
It seems as if your wife reacts negatively to any behavior that would possibly leak out to your children, friends or family.
When the kids were still home my wife's biggest fear was that they would find my 'stash'. Even now I think that one of her main concerns is what would people think if something happened to both of us and the kids found a collection of large dresses and shoes.
Along similar lines I like to sleep in a nightgown with panties and often pantyhose (especially in winter). Her fear is that I die in my sleep and she would have to deal with a crossdressed body.
I recognize her fears but I am bolder and more fearless and just simply prefer to spend as much time as fully or partially dressed as possible.
Some of her fears abated when the kids got out of the house but I cannot be blind to her underlying concerns.
I do not think that your wife's behavior is primarily designed to hurt Leslie. She does not know why you have a need to manifest your femme side and why you just can't keep your thoughts in your head and your maleness on display at all times.
Good Luck
Pat
Have you given her your list?
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of being beaten up by all of my commenting friends, why the hell do you want to wear panties and a cami to bed? But, you know that clothes mean very little to me, so this is something I may just not understand. My issue is so simple: male bits don't go with a female mind. Clothes are just nothing more than window dressing.
ReplyDeleteI guess my question is: Do you do this to piss her off or do you actually get something out of dressing that way in bed?
Calie xxx
Leslie....all good blogs end with a Monty Python reference...good job! And, where is the like button for Syl's comment? ditto
ReplyDeleteI think I can answer Calie's question: It really depends on the person and for some, when one can NOT express themselves as their proper gender, the clothes are an expression of that, if only for a little while. We all find comfort where we can. I don't get the clothes thing either, but then I don't have to fake the wrong gender anymore. Realize we all have different needs.
Leslie; What if you did all that she asked, to the letter of the law? Would she then be happy? Why or why not? I don't see both sides or the whole story and still would not be qualified to judge or have the right to. All along though, I've sensed from her a need to control more so than fear. You both seem a little passive aggressive but that's just an opinion. We don't have time to discuss my shortcomings. :p
Love ya Sis!
Peace and Hugz, Tina
You poor girl! You are on a non-stop merry go round in the twilight zone, and there is no brass ring to grab, and no emergency shut off switch. If it were me, I think I woud at least try jumping off. Could the resulting injuries, be any worse than than chronic mental anguish of staying on the ride?
ReplyDeleteI know you are probably not a very assertive person, but maybe it's time to (horror of horrors) "buck up", and firmly lay down some articles of federation, if not a complete declaration of independence.
Melissa XX
Does Mrs. Leslie see a therapist? Would she at least go to one with you?
ReplyDeleteSorry, I read the first few entries before I thumbed back and went through older ones...so I know that she does have a therapist. Have you been to one together?
ReplyDelete