I deeply appreciate all the comments. I feel myself retreating into a dark place today, and I kinda wish that I had a therapy session this week.
We met for dinner for St. V's Day. Plenty of talk, just none about us. I didn't feel that it was the right day to start a fight (and I think it will be a fight). I wound up getting her a book of a humorous nature. I miss the girl that used to laugh easily, both at my "witticisms" and the weirdness of the world. I don't entertain her much anymore, and she seems rather bitter most of the time. Humph, join the club.
No Randy Newman tix for me. And some of you can quit slagging the man! He is an American treasure, a great songwriter and arranger. I would love to see him live. Instead, I received a few dark chocolates, new trousers, and a white shirt with a tiny gray floral pattern. Nice, really, but not in any sense heartfelt.
I felt that both of us were going through the motions. After dinner, we shared a brief peck before I went back to work. That has been the extent of affection for the last six weeks or so, and even that is infrequent. I am certain that she is not up to something extracurricular (not her style, and no time for it anyway). She just isn't feeling the love any more than I am.
I will try to curb my fears in the next few days and start a conversation about our status as a couple. It needs to be aired out, as many of you suggested. I just don't think I will like the answers I get.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
Awesome. Though I still don't know who Randy Newman is. I'll bet he's been on the Red Green show. Maybe plays the keyboard? :o)
ReplyDeleteYour gentle peck sounds like what my last girl friend did with me right before she dumped me. Of course we weren't married either.
Best wishes dear!
Syl
Leslie, my last comments may have appeared to be making light of all of this. If so, I didn't mean it that way.
ReplyDeleteYou say that you:
"miss the girl that used to laugh easily, both at my "witticisms" and the weirdness of the world."
Why not tell her just that?
It's clear that there was an attraction when you two first met. Somehow, that love and attraction may have faded a bit and some, but not all, of that may be due to the fact that you were born transgender.
She needs to understand that you were born this way. If you quit everything - cold turkey - it will affect your health and well being and it will affect your marriage. You need to convince her that you have needs but you are willing to compromise somewhat.
I have many friends who deal with compromise out of respect for their marriages. This includes both crossdressers and transsexuals. With me, the understanding is that I won't transition and I work real hard at that. This has calmed the seas in my marriage and it is now stronger and better than ever.
We are all different, however, so what works for our marriage may not be the answer for you two. Both of you need to find that answer or compromise but you won't find it if you can't have that discussion.
I hope you both again find that love that first attracted you two to each other.
Calie xxx
I hope that you and your wife can find what had been there before your gender issues arose. Compromise and communication on your part are important. Remember that the girl you, while an ever present part of your entire being, is something that your wife will need time to accept and understand. You wife is entitled, at least part of the time, to the man she married.
ReplyDeleteGo slow and savor every day.
Pat
I dunno, I just feel like something will change eventually. Good or bad...if there is such a thing. Being in a state of suspended animation can't be the life most would desire.
ReplyDeleteGodspeed Sister!