Okay, here goes.
I have been feeling completely unmotivated this month, easily distracted from tasks. I feel flat. When I went to therapy today, M told me that it sounds like depression. I have been depressed before, lord knows, but this has been different. I have decided that she's right, which is why I pay her the big bucks. This is a quiet depression, more of a malaise. It's not pressing on me from all sides, the way I'm accustomed to. Now that a name has been put to it, I do recognize it as depression.
That is why the blog has gone to seed. I suppose things have been happening, but nothing that adhered to my writing brain. I normally feel compelled to write. M instructed me to do it anyway, so here I am.
We decided that I am grieving. My days of Leslie and roses are numbered, as I am expected to go back to true boy mode after my March meeting. That's less than six weeks. My everyday Leslieness is subtle, nothing overt, yet I am going to miss it greatly. The epilating, the body lotion, the panties and camisoles and hosiery that are an everyday thing at present will be largely relegated to the scrap heap over the summer. I've been telling myself that I am okay with this, but I am not.
I have been suppressing strong feelings, and those can always be counted on to surface. That's where I am now.
Coupled with that, I feel like a cad for the way that I have abandoned certain friends this month. If this sounds like you, it probably is you. I'm sorry. I am expending all my concentration at work, and I can't make myself do more than video games in the wee hours. I'm going to compose an apology to one particular friend as soon as I post this. She deserves better than I have been giving.
I'm going to try to start posting again, not because you all expect it, but because it is good for my mental health. That's reason enough.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
"expected"?
ReplyDeleteIf I may interject, and correct me if I am wrong:
ReplyDeleteIn 'Halle speak' "expected" means "I maintain a male façade as part of an agreement with my spouse. Shaved legs and much of the rest get put away for the summer. Such is the life of one who attempts to live with an unwilling partner.
Halle
Don't be like you!
ReplyDeleteLeslie you have got to find some space to breathe or you're going to die of asphyxiation does she not realise that!
Caroline xxx
Hey, girlfriend! Seems like I hardly ever post anymore. Different reasons, but I don't lose any sleep over it. You shouldn't either, but I can attest to it being good therapy.
ReplyDeleteI was going to write you a PM today. Been concerned about you...
Calie xxx
There is no need to apologise for not posting, we all know just how crap this can be in the darker months.
ReplyDeleteAny luck with the Finasteride BTW? It has to have been a few months by now.
You've been quite for sure...thought maybe it was depression. :( I've said it before and I do think of you everyday because I know your situation is really a tough one. Sorry to be such a worry wart but I just worry about you. So wish you could come over and hang out with Lisa and me but I'm pretty sure that idea would get shot down too.
ReplyDeleteMaybe see you in February?
Hugz,
Tina
So there you are. I wondered if we were ever going to see another Leslie blog. You certainly don't owe it us, but it's nice to occasionally read what's been on your mind.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you have been down in the dumps. I know you can feel the clock ticking away on your Leslie time, and that must be depressing. I just wish that you could assert yourself on this body hair issue, and simply declare that you will no longer tollerate something that causes you so much pain, just to please others.
Big hug!
Melissa XX
Leslie,
ReplyDeleteWe've missed you and it is great to have you back- no apology needed to us.
Claire
As everyone has said you don't owe us anything (though we do worry).
ReplyDeleteIf it helps you though please do keep it up!
Stace