Uneasy Does It

Where to begin? This was the much anticipated day of shopping with my girlfriends. We met at one of Tina's favorite consignment stores, very nice stuff and a lot of it. But I was feeling overwhelmed. I'm always self-conscious, but browsing through skirts and tops and shoes in boy-mode just made me acutely aware of standing out. The store was fairly busy when I arrived, which didn't help. I sat in the sweltering car for five or seven minutes, listening to the Reds game, summoning the courage to walk ten feet to the door. I finally called Shan to make certain that they were already in there. Just a little reassurance that I had a safety net waiting.

I was watching myself from afar at first, seeing myself as I felt others were seeing me. Tall, balding, slump-shouldered shuffler-mumbler. My friends all looked great, and fit in quite well, I thought. And how I wished for my long hair and a bit of makeup. I've passed as a male for forty-five years, but I would have been so much more at ease even as a primitively drawn female. I spent as much time looking inward as poking through the racks.

The last 45 minutes or so, I began to get more relaxed. The clientele had thinned out, and I was enjoying the time with my friends. I found nothing that I wanted to purchase, but then, the merchandise was almost exclusively summer stuff. With my body hair issues, there is really no point in my buying summery women's clothing. I love all those delicate spaghetti straps and short skirts, but it would be money down the toilet.

We moved on to Payless after that, and it was similarly a bust. There is just not that much selection in the 11/12 range. And why does everything have to have a platform? I don't need an extra half-inch, thank you! Despite the shoe situation, I was caring a lot less about my presentation. But my time was up. We exchanged hugs and they walked up to TJ Maxx, while I went to my car.

I am so lucky to have these ladies as close friends. They treated me just like I was all Leslie. Sylvia had never even seen me in boy-mode before. They are wonderfully warm, caring people, and I love them dearly. I love that I can be vulnerable around them, that I can share my fears in real time. And they'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

My wife was a little quiet both before and after my trip. In the evening we went to see The Soloist with Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx. I think I need to start listening to more classical music. My emotions, already riding near the surface, bubbled over during the musical sequences. I adore Beethoven's last four symphonies, and I think that I might be able to purge my backlog of tears with Ludwig's help. A great film.

We went out for a late meal afterwards. We discussed the movie for a while, then she asked me how my shopping trip had been. I told her that I'd felt a little weird and uncomfortable, and gave her a bare bones overview of the afternoon. I was so relieved that she asked, something she wouldn't have done a few months ago. I didn't want to overwhelm her, but it was very important to me to be able to share my experience with her. Later on, I thanked her for allowing me to go out with my friends. I reiterated my confidence that she would like them if she met them.

The shopping aspect was a bit of a bust for me, but I came away more confident in my ability to navigate the world of women, even from my male perch. I was able to stretch myself just a bit more, so the day was far from wasted.