"You will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not"
"Father and Son" Cat Stevens
I'm counting the days now. I'm on a short timeline till the day I have to start regrowing the hair on my legs. I made my wife a promise, and I intend to keep my word. My wife has made a valiant attempt to live with my bare legs, but intimacy has fallen off markedly in recent weeks. When you have to drink to go to bed with your husband, it's time to reassess.
To review, I signed a six-month contract with my wife in October, at the suggestion of her therapist. The stipulations were all at my expense, but I signed it, thinking that I really wasn't losing anything of importance. The agreement called for no public crossdressing, no public blogging, no trysts with people I met on the internet(!), no emotional affairs on the internet. Largely ridiculous, I thought. A few weeks later, I shaved my legs for the first time, something I desperately needed to do. My wife, extremely upset, declared that this constituted public crossdressing. I wouldn't've signed if I had interpreted it that way. If covered bare legs are tantamount to public crossdressing, then I've been walking around naked my entire life underneath my clothes. It's a wonder I don't have an arrest record.
I promised that my aberrant behavior (shaving my legs, I mean) would end after my March support meeting. Four hairless months for me, eight hirsute months for her. Seems generous to me. Yesterday, I told her how much having smooth legs has eased my dysphoric feelings. I don't think she cared. She just wants to feel like a man is in bed next to her.
I've now also broken the public blogging prohibition, and with a profile pic! Talk about public crossdressing! It was a bad contract in many ways, and I certainly did nothing to prove my integrity. My therapist has wondered if there will be a new document presented when this one expires. She has even suggested that we create one ourselves, one that at least makes sense to me, one in which the provisions are actually relevant to my situation and needs. I like the idea of getting out in front of the issue, but I would just as soon be trusted to do the right thing without a contract. I'm just not sure we're at that point in our marriage anymore.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
I'm sorry to say but it sounds like the relationship is quickly entering choppy waters. You can slap me now too for the big "no duh," but brazen "contract" deviations is only promising trouble. At best an open discussion to the revision of the contract needs to happen.
ReplyDeleteIf you are beginning to cut emotional ties to your spouse, then speak openly to your therapist about that. I feel for you and really can't give any other support other than I trust you'll make the wise choices in the best interest of you both.
I just found your blog via a post you made on mine (thanks!).
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have tried to be open with your wife. I do understand where her feelings are coming from. After all, in her mind, she married a man and not a woman. The "contract" idea sounds, IMHO, like it came from a therapist who just does not understand the TG side of the issue. There must be give and take in a marriage and if your wife truly cares for you and loves you, there has got to be some middle ground for both of you.
Friends have been my saving grace. Friends locally and friends via the internet. My wife has no issue with this at all (she does have her issues, however) and has even met some of them. To be able to sit down and chat face-to-face, girl-to-girl, well it is something I dearly need to maintain the balance in my life.
Nice blog, Leslie Ann, and I wish you the best in your relationship.
Calie