Busted

Those of us who are veteran crossdressers have had to hone special skills. I developed an outstanding eye for detail, having to cover up evidence of borrowing clothes and makeup. Nothing intensifies your focus more than getting caught in a mistake. Once, in my teen years, I left a pair of heels outside my mother's closet. She wanted an explanation, and really looked like she knew something was up, but she let me off the hook with my lame story about digging around for Christmas presents. The event was never mentioned again, but I never forgot, or committed that error again!

Still, we all slip up from time to time. For Valentine's Day, I went to Victoria's Secret to find a slinky something for my wife. I was just one of the many men wandering into the store that week, though having a lot more intimate personal knowledge of the choices that would be presented to me. I was very proud of the fact that I resisted the urge to buy myself something while I had a legitimate excuse to be in there.

But as I left the store, bag in hand, I was confronted by a salesman at a kiosk. Brilliant marketing, really. He was selling nail kits (buffing block, cuticle oil, mineral hand lotion, a nice nail file). He pulled me aside and began buffing my thumbnail, demonstrating his product. He really couldn't lose. Edgy guys coming out of VS are vulnerable to another impulse buy. And on the off chance that the guy was in VS for himself, they might be even more likely to bite.

He put a beautiful sheen on my nail, and I was hooked. My first impulse was to buy for my wife, maybe use some nail care as foreplay. Then, my lesser instincts took over. I wanted this for myself. I can't get away with painting my nails, much as I desire to, but this was a great way to get closer to that fantasy. So I bought the kit.

Today, the credit card bill came. I saw that VS was on there, but I didn't notice the kiosk purchase. My wife did, and she called me at work to ask what it was. I made like I couldn't talk just then. Panic, you know. I imagine this will come up again Tuesday, but I'm uncertain how I'll answer. The foreplay answer is sorta legit, but it is unlike anything I've ever done, so it may well sound like a convenient lie.

Truly, I don't want to lose possession of this item. My dysphoria has been intense for two weeks now, and seems to be worsening. I'm trying to make due with little details that make me feel more feminine: wearing a camisole, taking care of my nails, plucking my eyebrows. I can see the difference, but the world and my wife likely won't. I'd like to share all this with her, but when we start talking about these things, she stiffens up and begins to act agitated. I get pretty reliable signals when I'm saying something she doesn't care to hear.

I want to share with her my realization that I now understand how risky my behavior was last year, that I was endangering my career, and thus my family. She had a right to be outraged. I want to share my conclusion that I will probably never transition, though I'm not sure she would believe it. So much would have to change for that to ever be feasible. Very long odds. Could be an interesting discussion. Or it could be an ugly dud.