Peeking Out of the Closet

I have decided to end my longest silence ever, and start a new silent streak tomorrow.  Hard to explain my absence, and though I know I don't have to explain, I want to.  Three months!  A lot has happened, and a lot hasn't happened.  Yet, it is my current emotional state that brings me back to the keyboard, so I will try to limit my tale to the relevant.

The last few months of the school year were very difficult, as we had to drag our graduating daughter through the last half year of her high school experience.  Sloth has proven to be her deadly sin of choice, and her commitment to it has carried over to the summer break.  She starts college in August, at great expense to us, and I fear that we are essentially setting fire to our finances.  She has made perfunctory passes at finding a job, but mostly chats and surfs on her new laptop.  At a time when she should be spreading her wings, she is settling into a rut.

We all went to the beach at the end of June, along with my wife's sister and mother.  It was very nice to get away, and the group dynamic was pretty pleasant throughout.  I settled into the change of routine pretty well, which is never a sure thing.  We had not been to the beach in about ten years, so it was essentially a new experience for the kids.  And it is likely the last time that we will do this, so no regrets.

While we were away, I took my Zoloft only sporadically.  Maybe a couple times during the week.  I was happy, and began thinking that I don't need it so much now.  The hit or miss approach continued until yesterday. 

I suddenly realized that I was starting to feel like I was losing myself.  I blew off my monthly meeting last Saturday, not wanting to be bothered with dressing and socializing.  That is unlike me.  I have been withdrawing from my femaleness, feeling more fear about how the world sees such things.  Honestly, I thought I was over this stuff.  I thought that I had become comfortable with my identity, whether hidden or explicit.  But here I am, feeling a bit lost, becoming inwardly sullen, though not betraying it outwardly yet.

So hard to put into words.  I don't know that I have done it justice.  Anyway, I am newly committed to taking my pills.  I hope to start communicating with you folks again also.  I have been hermit-like for months now.  I just don't know what to say in emails, or on this albatross of a blog.  I don't feel whole.  It doesn't help that my therapist, M, has started working toward a doctorate, and is selling her office.  I suppose I can start seeing our couples counselor for solo therapy too, but the rapport isn't the same.  I'll have to make a judgement call once the drugs stabilize me.

No promises, of course, but I anticipate writing here again before three more months have passed.  I miss y'all.

Love,
Leslie