Earlier, I took a trip down memory lane unexpectedly.
I got a call from the missus in the afternoon. It seems that my boy, just turned 14, had an incident at school that could be classified as bullying. He was being actively shunned during assigned group work in science. Maybe that doesn't sound awful, but he was distressed, and he spoke to his teacher about it after class. Without giving her the details, he asked her if she ever felt that it wouldn't make any difference if she wasn't there. She didn't give an enlightened response.
When he came out to the car minutes later, he prefaced his tale by telling his mother that "I'm not suicidal, but...".
After hearing this story, my own mind spun back to dark corridors of my time in middle and high school. I've touched on this in my earliest posts, but this was more visceral. I just don't want to think that my boy is going to go through the same wringer that I did. Normally, I remember only the incidents at school, the situations. This time, I was reintroduced to the pangs of dread, the aching loneliness, the vulnerability and isolation. Popular kids would have nothing to do with me, literally looking down their noses at me (and that's difficult when I am 6'2"). I was a homely, mumbling, slouching shell of a person.
I knew that I was different, and I was convinced that I was transparent in my differentness. Surely, my inner weirdness must be visible to all. How else to explain the treatment? I have often wondered if the gender issues made me hide from the world even as I walked through it, or if my outsider status made me long to be different. And what could be more different than being a girl?
My boy is sweet-natured, kind to people and animals, and he has the looks that I never had. He will be a heartbreaker. Yet, his peers insist on othering him. He is socially awkward, though less than I was. In short, he is vulnerable. He wants to belong. He wants to be appreciated for his brains and wit. He is, largely, like his father. He has shown no signs of having the gender issues that I have, and I truly believe that I would recognize them. He has less guile than I did, tending toward truth-telling even to his detriment.
So, I need to talk to him about being on the outside. Without going into the "whys", I will tell him about my own experience. And I will let him know that he can ask me anything, tell me anything, and be confident that I will still love him. He needs someone that understands his situation, and I have to be that someone.
Musings: It's All About Community
5 hours ago
While I have no statistics, there is no doubt in my mind that every year hundreds of young people die at their own hand because of such feelings of isolation.
ReplyDeleteFrom your description, it sounds as though just getting through another year or so and your son will be not only accepted but will thrive. Your intervention will likely be a key to that.
In my case, stupid blind luck (my lifelong friend) brought me two similarly shy awkward and amazingly intelligent friends. Together we made it through high school. Might not be around now if it hadn't been for them.
Who understands 'othering' in our world?
Who better to help a child cope with it than you; father and mother too?
Hugs! Here's to many long talks with your son!
ReplyDeleteLeslie,
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about this. As a parent there is nothing worse than seeing your child having trouble especially emotional ones. You of all people probably are in the best position to help him understand they bullying is never acceptable and although this time is often the hardest of their life, "It Does Get Better" (to steal a quote).
Good luck and be strong for him!!
I've seen this a lot. Your son threatens the people who reject him because he is what they are not and he represents something that they feel they have either lost or never had. Because they don't understand, and don't want to face up to the fact that they could have it if they worked at it, they respond by pushing it away.
ReplyDeleteI have seen many lonely students who, I know, will change the world around them for the better. As long as they stick to who they are they will succeed, but they need support for that to happen. With you in his corner your son will have that support, even if the situation is not resolved.
You know you are doing the right thing, and you already know the positive impact you will have.
In supporting him, offering your experience, you are being the change we all want to see in the world. Don't under-estimate that, it's about as big a thing as anyone can do.