A Thought For Penny

Some things, you just never want to have to write. This is one of those.

Saturday night, I received a cryptic email hinting at bad news, but without any specifics. After a day of text tag, I was able to make the phone call. I learned that my friend, Penny Perfect, had taken her own life on Saturday. We see this all too often in our community, but I'm not going to dwell on that. Those are statistics; Penny was a sweet, thoughtful, timid person.

I think I got as close to Penny as anyone online. We corresponded frequently, and I even convinced her to share an online chat late one night. She was terrified, but I think I put her at ease before it was over.

She spent more time in her shell than out, but she desperately wanted to give something to the TG community. Toward that end, I assisted her on a long project creating a web site, TransScribbled. It was a compendium of links to sites that would provide information and support to folks like us. Penny did all the heavy lifting. I suggested a few sites, gave feedback on the design of the pages, and did all the proofreading. It was launched through a post on Meg's blog, and Penny was very discouraged by the response, or lack thereof.

We bonded over the difficulties of having social anxiety. She had it much worse than me, but I knew the sensations she felt, the panic, the distance. I spoke the language. We soon found that we shared musical interests as well. She shared some Tom Waits files with me, and I made several recommendations on artists and albums. We both like a fair degree of dissonance.

Penny took her blog private after the TG/TS wars started flaring up. She found the nasty battles very upsetting, to the point that she feared that making comments would lead the harpies back to her. She stopped commenting, and that was a shame, as she had a gift for saying just the right thing, something I envied. She eventually started commenting again here and there anonymously, signing them "pp".

I spoke with Penny's wife, Aeify, for nearly a half hour Sunday night. She had a companion blog to Penny's, called A Perfect Luv. Whenever those two wrote about each other, you could feel the intensity of their love. They were the real deal, I think.

Aeify wanted me to know that Penny thought the world of me. This last summer, when I was pulling away from all my online friends, Penny was one of them. I have since been slowly trying to rebuild bridges, but Penny had not been among those. She sent me a nice note after Melissa's death, giving her sympathies, but that exchange didn't end up leading anywhere. I feel like I failed Penny. My head knows that I probably wouldn't have changed anything, but my heart differs. I could've been a much better friend to her.

Keep a good thought or prayer for Aeify. Penny adored her, and I can attest to her character after speaking to her. She will be needing a lot of support. You can write to her at aperfectluv at gmail.com.

That's my Penny, for your thoughts. Godspeed, hon.