"When I come to terms with this, my life will change." -- Tori Amos
Body hair: my singular obsession. Only because I have so much of it and I want none of it. My wife stands between me and bare skin. She prefers me to look like a Sopranos cast member; I'd rather emulate a character from Lipstick Jungle. There's not a lot of common ground there.
She'll climb into bed sometimes with freshly shorn legs, which, of itself, triggers an envy attack in me. Then she rubs my chest and says she likes my fur. At this point, I feel like a silverback gorilla, or a Saint Bernard blessed with opposeable thumbs. I tell her I'd be happy to give it to her in a bag. Then she could enjoy it anytime she wants.
I recently picked up a bottle of depilatory at the grocery and stashed it under the bathroom sink. This impulse purchase flies in the face of good sense. It's like someone with suicidal tendencies making sure there's a loaded gun in the house, just in case. Now my daily internal battle, between mind/body congruity and fear of the wife's wrath, has the potential for real action. Stand back! I have Nair, and I know how to use it!
Of course, if I did do the deed, a new obsession would likely take its place. I think it's that slippery slope that my wife fears more than a hairless husband. It's another step towards losing the man she married, gradually replaced by a woman she doesn't want to know.
Excuse me now, I have to go eat. It's feeding time in the monkey house.
LOL! What a funny post, I really love the references and metaphors Leslie.
ReplyDeleteI've definitely referred to myself as a monkey or gorilla in terms of body hair.
I actually despise my body hair no matter what mode I'm in, and luckily my wife doesn't really mind if I'm hairless, she just doesn't like when the hair is just growing out and prickly, so I try to maintain the smoothness.
Leslie, is this the first blog post? I'm trying to start from the beginning. I'm noticing you have a sharper sense of humor than I realized. :-) If I need to start somewhere else, let me know. I wasn't sure since this isn't an introductory type of post.
ReplyDeleteThe writing seems so strong here, it'll be hard to choose what I want to crib for my play.
I have been shaving my hair since about 12 or so. I was a swimmer ideally training to make it to the olympics, I never got close, but a good side benefit was whole body shaving. I loved it from the start. I had no idea about my cross dressing likes at the time. But I knew I did not like body hair.
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