Yep, Still Here

Outside my August meeting

The delays are over.  I did leave y'all hanging in January, and thank you to my friends that gently reminded me. We had a LOT of snow (though not up to Boston standards), and my grandmother died (at 102), but the real reason was lack of gumption.  I just have a terrible time sitting down and writing.

When I left off, I felt increasingly dysphoric and was about to have a solo counseling session for the first time in two years.  I have since had two solo sessions and one couples, and I am feeling much better.

The solo sessions have been a revelation.  Understand that I have been seeing this counselor with my wife for well over a year now, and I am now having one on one with her.  The perspective really changed.

Last summer, when we talked about me shaving my legs because I had to relieve my stress somehow, our therapist led an impartial conversation.  Now, I have been told that she had wanted to stand and pump her fist in excitement for me. She has always wondered why I didn't just go ahead and do it, and was delighted that I finally did. I guess I'm not the only one that thinks my wife is a little pushy.

For our second session she had given me homework, a list of twenty-four basic human needs.  She wanted me to assess which of these needs are being met in my life, and which are not.  This is not just about the marriage, but all aspects of my life.  I came up short in a lot of places.

In the marriage, there is a lack of intimacy, less sex than I would like, and often feeling unheard.  None of this should be a surprise to the attentive reader. But I was told that all this is on me.  I have to ask if my needs are not being met.

Aside from that, I have a desire for attention that used to be filled here when this blog was public and visited by a couple hundred folks worldwide each time I posted.  The therapist thinks I should be able to have a public blog, though I would need to try harder to exclude identifying material.  I still wonder how the missus would feel about that, but it sounds like it might make it back into the discussion.  Fingers crossed!

Slipping Back

I have been denying it for a long while now.  I have been slipping back into the hole again.  Two weeks ago, I had an evening where I felt much like I did seven years ago when my gender issues hit the wall.  The deep sadness, the single-minded obsession with my gender failings, the constant bellyache, and worse, the knowledge that I have been here before.

I was on the plateau of "good enough" for several years.  It had a good run.  I didn't notice that the terrain was no longer level. Sure, I have had ugly spells frequently, but less severe and shorter-lived, usually just an hour or two and it was past. Now I'm worried.

We have been seeing a counselor as a couple for some time now, and this last time I talked some about how I felt on my bad day.  She offered to see me one on one, and I agreed.  Truly, couples sessions are 85% the missus going on about our lives and kids, and 15% me quipping and adding grace notes to her thoughts.  Seldom have we concentrated on my problems, and that is usually fine.  But now I am scared, and I need to talk it out.  It has been two years since my former therapist went back to school, and it is time to get back on the horse.

I am really quite excited to have it all about me again in therapy.  My appointment is this week, and maybe I can report some realizations after that.