Airing It Out

Couples counseling yesterday, and none too soon.  We were both aggrieved about the confrontations on New Year's Day, and we had avoided any kind of followup.  The usual healthy approach to relationships that all my readers have come to expect.

The session came down to two major issues, and maybe one minor one.

First, we talked about the gift from Soma.  I shared that I found her "quid pro quo" comment deeply offensive and hurtful.  I told her how much I loved the necklace she gave me at Christmas, and that I wanted to do something unexpected that would express my gratitude and warm feelings.  She said that her first thought was that I was using the shopping opportunity to buy stuff for myself.  She believes that I did the same thing a few years ago when I bought her something at Victoria's Secret.  I do have a satin nightie from VS, but I told her that I did not buy it there.  I just checked back in the blog, and confirmed that I resisted the urge to make a Leslie purchase that day, and I will be sharing that with her.  Regardless, her first reflex was that her gift was a selfish act on my part, a chance to acquire more dainties for myself.  We have a long way to go, no?

Second discussion, about the boy's nausea that evening, and my outburst when I couldn't take her unsubtle suggestions any longer.  This boils down to her not trusting me to handle parenting, despite her frequent criticisms that I am too detached from my kids lives.  I told her that I regretted yelling at her, but that I stand by everything I said.  I was handling the situation in my own way, and the boy felt worse every time she woke and started trying to force her solutions on us.  The counselor largely agreed with me, that she can't have it both ways.  She either stops criticizing me for not taking the lead on parenting issues, or she lets me get used to being the primary parent when I am dealing adequately with things.  She has to trust me.  Even I will tire of banging my head against the wall.

The minor issue was about her birthday in general.  I did not make a cake, despite being led by the hand, recipes being left open on the table, still there even now.  I did not even mention her birthday on the date, though in my defense, I was extremely upset by the events of the previous evening.  Not our biggest problem, by the by.

Okay, enough already.  This is only my side here, and she has legitimate complaints with me as well.  I have felt fairly settled for the last year or so, and the lack of posts here have reflected that.  Tonight, I have that old feeling in my gut, that things are headed downhill.  Our attempts to make our long-standing incompatibilities disappear by ignoring them have bought us a bit of time, but I think the strategy has run its course.  My mood is quite dark right now.  Writing may play a bigger role in my everyday activities for awhile.

Steamed

Christmas was very positive, I thought.  The missus went above and beyond, getting me a rather feminine necklace from Pandora.  Kind of a charm necklace.  Very pretty, and decidedly girly to me.

But that's not why I feel compelled to write tonight.

We had a hard day today.  Lots of running around, prep for school that resumes tomorrow.  My daughter's Rose Parade appearance was not covered by television the way we would've liked.  Plus I was shopping for my wife's birthday.

My wife insists that the kids all come along for the shopping, and I see her point.  But our eldest has zero interest in that, and she can be very difficult to manage when agitated.  So I had to deal with that.

We took the kids out to eat.  We wanted the boy to know how much we have appreciated his help looking after his sister when we had to be out, and the middle girl was off in California.  Good meal, Italian.

Come bedtime shortly thereafter, and he has a bellyache.  Too much food, too much sugar earlier in the day, too much caffeine with the meal.  It doesn't matter.  He is nauseated, and can't get to bed, and all my wife wants to do is badger him to do this or that, and figure out the source of the problem.  Even as she is sleeping in the recliner, she is waking and asking for status reports.  And I am handling things in my way as the wakeful parent on duty.  Just the way she always says she wants it to be, except when she doesn't.

I keep biting my tongue and pushing forward with the matter, not wanting to cause any permanent damage.  Just take care of the boy.  Then I finally have a short explosion, telling her to back off, that she is upsetting the boy by badgering him to do things, that she has to control everything.  Not the prettiest soliloquy I ever composed, but basically true.

Oh, I forgot to mention... Earlier, I told her that I wanted to go ahead and give her a gift now.  I thought it was special, and a little private.  She was very leery, and said that she hoped there wasn't a quid pro quo attached to it.  No, I assured her, though I secretly thought the comment a tad insulting.  So I gave her the package from Soma, five pairs of panties and a pretty nightshirt. 

Yes, I went off the grid and got something she didn't ask for, not unlike her Christmas gift to me.  The panties were all cotton, no lace, as was the nightshirt.  She is very particular, I have learned over the last thirty years.  She said that the panties might  be okay.  She thought the nightshirt was a bit shorter than she'd like, and the medium I selected might be too confining for her to sleep in.  You're welcome, I thought.

So, my mind was there before the outburst as well.

I feel certain that she will be expecting an apology, and I am equally certain that one will not be forthcoming. 

And that's how my two week vacation ends.