A lot has gone down since I left all fifteen of you hanging. The sad thing is that I'm reaching an age where putting a longish story back together after a few weeks is nigh impossible. Luckily, I had a lengthy chat near the critical period, so I will try to reconstruct from that convo. Wish me luck.
You will recall that I was very unhappy when last we spoke. A chat with the above friend helped me gain some perspective, and two days later, I followed up on these with my therapist. The gist was that I was finally prepared to walk away if things weren't going to improve. I was out of excuses for carrying on with the charade, other than the financial excuse. And I was ready to tackle that one on the fly. My therapist did suggest that I might want to try couples counseling before dropping the hammer.
The missus had an appointment with her counselor two days later. As it got closer I began to lose my resolve to ask to be included. The morning of, I made my play, fearing that explanations would be sought or fur would fly. Quite the opposite. "I was thinking I might join you in your appointment with J." Matter of factly she responded, "So you're tired of this too?" No tears, no raised voices. We talked calmly for about twenty minutes, and decided that working on the marriage was worth the effort.
J was surprised to see me two years after my earlier visit. She thought I should have returned before this. I said that I hadn't been invited. Anyway, we sat down and started to hash it out. I no longer felt that I had anything to lose, so I didn't mince words. I said that I had reached a point where I would prefer to be alone by myself instead of alone together. That depression over the current arrangement prompted me to come. That status quo was untenable.
J did a fantastic job keeping us on task, pulling us away from petty bickering that popped up a few times. We both stayed calm throughout, outside of a brief bit of temper from me when hairless legs came up. I barked something about an adult being capable of making grooming decisions for themselves, and the subject was quickly changed.
Anyway,
I got to say a lot of things on my mind. Julie said that there was
worry that I might be planning to transition. I told them that I think
about it, and when I'm stressed and depressed I tend to think about
getting as far from my present situation as I can. Nothing much further
than changing genders, huh?
We talked about my passive nature, and that it wasn't likely to change. i pointed out that I haven't been out in public in three years, the blog has been private more than two years, that I am not pushing the envelope out of respect for her. And that I am seeing diminishing returns for my effort.
We talked about the lack of intimacy. I explained that intimacy does not have to lead to intercourse. I have no such expectations. I have made myself available, and still she goes to the recliner and the television.
I'm sure there was much more, but that is the meat of it. We both felt much better for having unburdened ourselves. It was agreed that we would have a couples session once a month, while continuing our individual therapy as well.
Reaching the end of my rope finally allowed me to speak my mind without tempering things. I won't be in that mental corner at the next session (presumably), so I hope I can sustain my bluntness. Things have been much warmer at home the last two weeks, and the affection feels genuine now. Good times.
